Thursday, June 25, 2009

I miss my Khali more and more these days. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's circumstantial. But it is and it sucks. Lately I can't seem to get a grip...

I am bumper-sticker-me-certain that I must have hit some kind of a teleporting vortex. Never, not even in my high school days have I come across so much immaturity, ignorance, unintelligent and shallowness all at once! Make me wanna barf...

Why oh why must we make things so complex? Why does money and greed and pride constantly override humility and selflessness? Why do we let it?

I somehow miss you. Regrettably. Undesirably.
It is likely I will miss you, once the pain subsides.
I even miss you, my love, my darling.

Monday, June 15, 2009

I'm at an all time low right now.
What exactly was it that made me this way I don't know.
Maybe I'm just manic.
Yet that's so trendy these days.
EVERYONE'S manic and their Grandma's Grandma too.

Honestly, what tipped it off today?
Was it the heat and my unaccustomed body?
Or maybe just my overweight body.
It started off like crap but I wasn't going to let that ruin the entire day.

Today marks a first.
The first time my son told me he was running away.
I've heard it before, just not from him.
Lately I just really don't like him.
Honestly.
It makes me cry.

Next to everything that comes out of that boys mouth is just nonsense! Do I leave him in his delusional world? It's so exhaustive to continually bring him back to reality and it inevitably puts us at odds day in and day out. I'm so tired. I don't want a computer that "buffers" and "pulls up files" scanning peoples profiles, separating the good guys from the bad guys. I don't want a truck backing up with all it's sounds. I don't want pretend lights flashing in my face. I don't want to have to tell him to walk flat on his feet only to have him unnecessarily injure himself a minute later because he already forgot, third time today. I don't want to try and muster up some sympathy. I have none left. I am all out. I don't want the fabricated weather forecasts, with all the doom and gloom of judgment day. I don't want my son to thrive off of tragedy.

I just want my son.
Has anyone seen him?

Sunday, June 14, 2009

There Is Nothing

There is seasons. There is fall, there is winter, and spring and summer too.
Some seasons are long and some are just too short.
There is seasons in our family, maybe there is in yours too.
Some seasons are great and you wish them to last on and on and on.
Some are sorrowful. You weep. Sometimes even at their hands.
But in the end, there truly is nothing quite as remarkable as family.

Sometimes we grow apart.
Not overnight but through time.
Or through a simple act.
A lie, a careless word tossed here and there.

Sometimes your daughter goes to school,
and is the only one to raise her hand,
when asked about their special family time.
Sometimes your life is greeted with a special guest.
And again we realize that we are blessed.
We sit a little closer, laugh a little longer. We linger.
And today we are stronger.

There truly is nothing...

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Happy Mother's Day

Slightly delayed response on who's part I do not know, but after two and a half long weeks of waiting I finally got my lab results back. It turned out I had collected and brought in everything BUT my baby. Which left only one other possibility. I flushed my own child down the toilet. As somber of an end as any.

From time to time I think this.

I think that my child died a tragic death at my own hands in more ways then one. I think it did not have to be so. Had I not denied myself food all in the name of a slimmer waist line, had I worked out only once, not twice that day, had I gotten more sleep and less stress. Less drink, more milk. Had I KNOW there was a precious and fragile baby growing inside of me... I would have done things differently. I would have been more careful and maybe... just maybe we would not be where we are today.