Make a Smilebox photobook

I hope that worked.

I think I must have some vampire blood in me or something. It is only after the sun goes down and the moon comes up that I become alive. It makes it for a challenge to live among those who prefer the daylight hours.

I came across a new singer song writer today... new to me that is. "Under My Bed" by Meiko... not sure bout her other stuff but that one I like a lot. We'll see what else I'll come up with.

Nothin much...

...just late night ramblings...

I'm having a love affair on my husband, on my family. A love affair with my camera that is. It consumes me and I can finally understand, even sympathize with workaholics. Why anyone would want to pay me to be behind the camera I don't know. It seems utterly ludicrous, like someone paying me to go to an amusement park or something of the sort. If I'm not out shooting, I'm working on post production. If I'm not on post production I'm at a meeting with other photographers or surfing the forum for more info, and if I'm not doing that then I am at the park or at the beach with my kids and undoubtedly with a book or a magazine on photography in hand. I could go on and on... really... I could bore you half to death. I could talk till I got blue in the face. I can't even walk up a simple stair way without carefully examining all the ever changing angles and taking mental notes on which spot would be best to shoot from. I was in my glory when I was out twelve hours straight shooting a wedding.

I hate baby showers. I really do. I've contemplated this for some time now but I think I have finally decided to just band them from my life. Unless it's like in anticipation of your first one bro... then I'd have to make an exception. It would seem kind of odd if I didn't show at a shower I threw, but other then that it's a nope, zip, zilch, nada! I'll send a fancy gift in my name. That will be my contribution. Hmm... I hope none of you peeps are keeping up with this blog still... unlikely but in the off chance, take nothing personally, and keep it to yourself.

It's odd that I am using my priceless camera time blogging... really odd.

I smelled you in my room today... pissed me off.
Has mercy run dry?

I couldn't sleep last night
Made me wanna pull my hair and cry.

You know there is little I won't do or sacrifice for my kids but among all them here's the toughest. Giving up a kid for my kids. I've toyed and prayed around the idea of 'having' another child over a few years now. Sometimes I am SO there, and others not so there but most of the time I'm half way in the middle of where I don't know...

I??? Me, myself, and I would love another one. But then I would also love to go to Africa but so what? In the grand scheme of things who the heck cares what "I" want? It wouldn't be in the best interest of my family, at least not at this time. There is seven of us and not a single one of us get all the things, not even half the things we think we love/want/need. (reminds me of Blue Like Grass and the story of Sexy Carrot. lol )

So when I think of another precious little one, who has nothing... who may be in a hotel room right this very minute just longing for someone to hold it close to their chest, to hear another heart beat, to feel the warmth of a body pressed against theirs, my hear aches...

So I continue to pray. I don't know what to do with that. Five children in a lot of children and although I know plenty a mom who have more then that I just don't know if I can stretch further then I do already. Teenagers... as independent as they strive to be need their parents all the more. C is always gonna be C and even when at his best he is still a handful and a challenge to keep entertained. S will always be S and is so darn easy going that he could easily fall between the cracks so to speak, but I'm not ok with that. And L who is always so people hungry will suck anyone dry in a matter of minutes. It's a challenge to communicate my love to her when we are so polar opposite. Is there room for one more? I duno... time will tell.

That's enough for now...

... oh and her name is Zoe not Gus...