False alarm, hcg levels 25 and dropping.
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There is a season for "everything." Time to say goodbye to the old and hello to the new.
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I wonder when and why the word "sheltered" took on a negative connotation. I am sad...
Monday, May 18, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Doctor's Orders
Monday I went in for a routine blood test/pregnancy test that the OB requires as part of the whole post miscarriage medi care. Just that alone was a whole ordeal in and of itself of which voluntarily giving up my blood was the least of them all.
Apparently I'm hard to get a hold of or so the receptionist says. I guess that's not news to me but this little tid bit of information she offered to me most definitely was.
I'm pregnant? Sat what? Now I'm tempted to ask, "How did this happen?" but I won't cuz I know what you will say and that's not exactly what I'm looking for.
So back to the lab for me... See although the test results indicate a pregnancy I've been around enough to know that if you break that info down all it means is that my hcg levels are higher then 15. A non pregnant woman registers between 0-15. Today's test will clarify exactly how much higher. I figure if we are indeed talking about a pregnancy I should be looking at somewhere in the ten to thirty thousand ball park figure. Anything lower then that and it's likely just left over from the first pregnancy but I have no medical knowledge behind that theory, it's just a guess, I didn't get around to asking.
On one hand it's great to have friends in med school on the other hand not so much... The third and most likely possibility if you ask me (just a feeling) is that I have chromo-something-the-rather which I can not even remember, pronounce, let alone spell. I'm pretty sure it uses every letter in the English alphabet and then some. It took me about five times of switching back and forth between the chat box and the search engine before I finally had it down. Even after having briefly looked it up I still don't know what the heck it is but I guess if it is the case I will soon be an expert on the subject. After scaring the living day lights out of me, my dear friend from med school ends our conversation by saying something like this:
"Oh but don't worry too much, it's totally curable with chemo therapy."
Now I'm not certain but I'm guessing she had said that in a effort to bring comfort to me... I hope they teach these med students some bed side manners. She's great and all, and I'm actually thankful to have heard it from her and to be able to prepare myself for the worst instead of coming in with high hopes only to receive such a blow. But chemo?
Apparently I'm hard to get a hold of or so the receptionist says. I guess that's not news to me but this little tid bit of information she offered to me most definitely was.
I'm pregnant? Sat what? Now I'm tempted to ask, "How did this happen?" but I won't cuz I know what you will say and that's not exactly what I'm looking for.
So back to the lab for me... See although the test results indicate a pregnancy I've been around enough to know that if you break that info down all it means is that my hcg levels are higher then 15. A non pregnant woman registers between 0-15. Today's test will clarify exactly how much higher. I figure if we are indeed talking about a pregnancy I should be looking at somewhere in the ten to thirty thousand ball park figure. Anything lower then that and it's likely just left over from the first pregnancy but I have no medical knowledge behind that theory, it's just a guess, I didn't get around to asking.
On one hand it's great to have friends in med school on the other hand not so much... The third and most likely possibility if you ask me (just a feeling) is that I have chromo-something-the-rather which I can not even remember, pronounce, let alone spell. I'm pretty sure it uses every letter in the English alphabet and then some. It took me about five times of switching back and forth between the chat box and the search engine before I finally had it down. Even after having briefly looked it up I still don't know what the heck it is but I guess if it is the case I will soon be an expert on the subject. After scaring the living day lights out of me, my dear friend from med school ends our conversation by saying something like this:
"Oh but don't worry too much, it's totally curable with chemo therapy."
Now I'm not certain but I'm guessing she had said that in a effort to bring comfort to me... I hope they teach these med students some bed side manners. She's great and all, and I'm actually thankful to have heard it from her and to be able to prepare myself for the worst instead of coming in with high hopes only to receive such a blow. But chemo?
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Happy Mother's Day
Slightly delayed response on who's part I do not know, but after two and a half long weeks of waiting I finally got my lab results back. It turned out I had collected and brought in everything BUT my baby. Which left only one other possibility. I flushed my own child down the toilet. As bleak of an end as any.
From time to time I think this.
I think that my child died a tragic death at my own hands in more ways then one. I think it did not have to be so. Had I not denied myself food all in the name of a slimmer waist line. Had I worked out only once, not twice that day. Had I gotten more sleep and less stress. Less drink, more milk. Had I KNOWN there was a precious and fragile baby growing inside of me... I would have done things differently. I would have been more careful and maybe... just maybe we would not be where we are today.
Most days I do not let it torture me so. Other times it, unlike my little one, has a life of it's own.
From time to time I think this.
I think that my child died a tragic death at my own hands in more ways then one. I think it did not have to be so. Had I not denied myself food all in the name of a slimmer waist line. Had I worked out only once, not twice that day. Had I gotten more sleep and less stress. Less drink, more milk. Had I KNOWN there was a precious and fragile baby growing inside of me... I would have done things differently. I would have been more careful and maybe... just maybe we would not be where we are today.
Most days I do not let it torture me so. Other times it, unlike my little one, has a life of it's own.
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