Friday, July 31, 2009

Tuesday, July 31st, 146.2 pounds.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Tuesday July 30. Weighing in at 147.8 pounds.

Not so long ago, in the not too distant past, I was afraid of dying. Not of what lay ahead, and beyond this life, for I believe my future is secure, but just the actual act of dying. Maybe of growing old too... I didn't think I would be ready no matter when the time came. Not at fifty, sixty, not even if I had managed to live to the ripe old age of one hundred. But lately, I seem to have had a change of heart and mind. I can easily see me saying, "I am tired now." and closing my eyes for one last time, to breath no more.

Tomorrow I get the pleasure of spending some time with an older gentleman who's lived life to it's abundance and has a story to tell no matter what the topic. I appreciate his position in life. Having been there, done that, it allows one to look at life from a different perspective, one I wish I could more often glance there from.

Funny thing, this relationship we have. Just in it's infant stages we jump through much the same hoops and perform the same dance as young lovers do.

"I had a really nice time yesterday."
"I hope we can do this again sometime."
"Yes me too, I'll call you."

Just yesterday Conrad asked if maybe I would see him on Monday it being a holiday and all. Without much a thought I said, "No, his wife will be home." A moments silence followed by some laughter. It's not how it sounds.

I dreamt some crazy dreams last night. Bitter sweet. Woke up with a heavy heart and oh so badly wanted to tell you about her but didn't.

The campers next door, they had a dog. Correction, they have a dog. Her name is Khali. I, completely unaware, unprepared, sideswiped. Sharp pangs of pain through my heart, knocking me to the ground. Focus. Maintain composure. Breath. This too will pass.

It's after 1 am now. I should go to sleep. Another day, another dollar. Needing sun...

Sunday, July 19, 2009

I really ought to be in bed. Funny thing is I have to be in court tomorrow... or later today depending on how you look at it. Conrad is taking his mother in for surgery first thing in the morning and my M. is heading out to Manhattan beach with a dear friend and then the two of them are meeting up with a certain boy.

I tell you, no matter how well a parent thinks they are prepared for that milestone... It still knocks you down. And maybe that's the way it ought to be... She's such a fantastic girl. I know it, her Dad knows and all I have to say is this boy better darn well know it! Truth be told, from where I can stand he's a pretty good kid himself but I'm really starting to think that this family-dating-thing/idea is not so far fetched after all. He needs to be scrutinized at a much closer level to pass this radar!

It is inevitable, undeniable, my baby it growing up. I so, so, SOOOOO badly wish I could be there and see her/them. Not like in a sick and twisted kind of way but much in the same way you watch your little one take their first step, beaming and full of pride, or when they take off on their brand new two wheeler. I just wanna see her take off, wind in her hair... oh man I think I'm gonna cry. Moving along...

My H. has done soooo much growing in these last two years herself. It's really quite a remarkable age in the life of a teenage girl. Not only is she stunning on the exterior but she is also developing quite the internal powerhouse. It's like the day after that rainstorm, all in one single night... The bear trees are finally budding, the grass has shot up at least an inch and the colors are saturated to their fullest. Everything just "pops" to the eye.

With the loss of our child, Conrad and I have suffered much... Today at church I overheard as one man was passing along his card to another. Reading the title out loud he explained the origins of the name of his company. The actual name escapes me, the origins never will. He named it after the three children his sister miscarried. No matter how much I skilfully avoid, be it baby showers, pregnant friends etc. it still creeps up and makes me want to hide away in a cave, never to show my face again.

But it would be a lie if I did not say that we have been equally, more so, and abundantly been blessed by this "quiver" of ours. My cup overflows. They all, each and every one of them, bring joy without measure and I AM BLESSED.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Alright so I'm still on this whole "missing" shit (pardon the language but that's exactly what it is) and really it could all just take a hike as far as I'm concerned. Each and every part of it cuz I've had enough. Really how many time can I be saved by grace? How many times can I slip under the radar?