Two of my kids are at school, the other three plus one niece are playing down stairs with the second niece still in bed. My baby is in the bathroom on the floor. I don't feel so well... my body is trembling, maybe it's due to all the blood loss, maybe just the trauma of it all. I think I'm going to throw up. I really just don't know what to do...

It seemed rather unreal that after what was almost ten years we had finally conceived. For the most part and admittedly only because I had no other choice I was forced to come to grips with the very likely possibility that we ourselves would never get to experience this joy.

After investing a significant amount of money into the home pregancy test fund during our first few years of trying I had committed myself to never purchasing one again. I would have to just get plain fat and that would have to be my signal. So please understand that when a few weeks back I HAD actually picked one up it was more of an effort to eliminate pregnancy as a possibility not with any high hopes of it actually coming to be.

See, I had been feeling funny. Not that "funny" is such a articulate word but really, that's all I've got. With the urging of a friend I had made an appointment for myself with a OB. She was concerned. I wasn't... that is until she started telling my about her experience with ovarian cancer.

So, imagine my complete shock and disbelief when a silly little plus sign appeared that faithful day. I only checked, double checked and triple checked a gazillion and one times.

Just the other night I had a dream that my husband had put in an offer on this lovely boat house of a mansion. Really, it had been more then my little heart could ever desire and I was bitterly disappointed at the sound of the alarm. Sitting in the bathroom, at my brothers house of all places, I was positive that at any point in time this too would be a dream I would be rudely forced to wake from.

Like I had said at the beginning, having waited nine years for this I'm sure you can imagine the degree of our excitement. Did I know that this was potentially only the beginning of what was to be a rough road ahead? Absolutely. But all reason and caution was quickly tossed aside. We wasted no time in telling the world. I imagined myself journaling and keeping a close account with the passing of each day and week.

In a matter of days our dream quickly turned into a nightmare. Even then I still contemplated sharing my experience here on blogger but it just proved to be too much for me to handle. Two weeks later it seems more of the opposite is true. If I do not give voice to this journey that I am on I may as well say goodbye to my sanity. I do not know yet how this will end. Will I have the boldness to be so vulnerable as to hit the "publish post" button... or will I settle with "save now". I imagine it will vary from day to day. The story may be disorderly, but it's primary purpose is for my own healing.

25 Random Things

I love to sleep almost as much as I love to eat.

When hungry I can be extremely cranky. My family can and will testify to this.

I married at 18, and although I am full of regrets that is not one of them.

I am certain pf two things. I married the best man in the universe and he got the short end of the deal.

When I grow up, I wanna be just like my 6 year old son who for the most part is so darn well rounded it blows my mind!

My number one pet peeve is when people put the toilet paper on backwards!

After delivering a hard teaching Jesus asked his disciples, "Do you want to go away as well?" Simon Peter answered, "Lord where else would we go?"

I could talk to you about my whole hearted devotion and enthusiasm for the Lord but that's just not the case. Most of the time all I have in me are Simon Peter's words. 'Lord where else would I go?” I stray time and time again only to find myself a this feet in humble repentance and in need of forgiveness, never to be turned away empty handed.

I love to hear my daughter rock out on the drums at home.

I am as technologically challenged as they come.

I have five amazing children and would really, really, really love just ONE more.

I am in desperate need of unconditional love, yet hardly ever capable of giving it.

Brake. Turn. Signal. AHHHH!!!!! It's signal, brake, then turn!(#2 pet peeve)

I am a night owl.

I am just beginning to discover my love for photography.

Most of the time I feel I am on the outside looking in.

My dream is to one day rob a bank, with my Mom as my accomplice. Of course I never will but...

I hate over saved people. Ok maybe not HATE but seriously despise them equally as much as I despise the bench warmers who excuse themselves from the game all in the name of not wanting to be "hypocritical".

I vowed to never home school. I am now homeschooling my three youngest children and loving it... most days. :)

I am almost at a place where I can say I am content at being discontent.

I think coffee flavored gum is the dumbest thing ever.

I hate watching movies twice. It is a waste of my time and there is plenty more enjoyable things to do with it if I really want to squander it away... things like..

ROCK BAND! Guitar Hero. I really don't care. I'm not a picky girl.

Some people say I am a pessimist. I like to take a more optimistic view on it and call myself a realist.

I am of the opinion that those who swear excessively have excessively low I.Q.'s.

I am saddened how the “convenience” of technology has isolated us human beings to the point where we eagerly jump at the opportunity to write 25 random things and the like about ourselves in order to feel that someone is listening.

Lately I have come to the realization that God is bigger then I ever knew or thought him to be. I find this somewhat stifling and extremely comforting all at the same time. Finally I let go of some of the things I have been unknowingly clutching to in fear that I may drop.

January 12th/2009 11:23 P.M. "Forever Roused"

I have not told a single soul, but I almost died last night.
The hows and whereabouts are of no significance.
Just those I nearly left behind.