Thursday, April 16, 2009

Two of my kids are at school, the other three plus one niece are playing down stairs with the second niece still in bed. My baby is in the bathroom on the floor. I don't feel so well... my body is trembling, maybe it's due to all the blood loss, maybe just the trauma of it all. I think I'm going to throw up. I really just don't know what to do...

Sunday, April 12, 2009

It seemed rather unreal that after what was almost ten years we had finally conceived. For the most part and admittedly only because I had no other choice I was forced to come to grips with the very likely possibility that we ourselves would never get to experience this joy.

After investing a significant amount of money into the home pregancy test fund during our first few years of trying I had committed myself to never purchasing one again. I would have to just get plain fat and that would have to be my signal. So please understand that when a few weeks back I HAD actually picked one up it was more of an effort to eliminate pregnancy as a possibility not with any high hopes of it actually coming to be.

See, I had been feeling funny. Not that "funny" is such a articulate word but really, that's all I've got. With the urging of a friend I had made an appointment for myself with a OB. She was concerned. I wasn't... that is until she started telling my about her experience with ovarian cancer.

So, imagine my complete shock and disbelief when a silly little plus sign appeared that faithful day. I only checked, double checked and triple checked a gazillion and one times.

Just the other night I had a dream that my husband had put in an offer on this lovely boat house of a mansion. Really, it had been more then my little heart could ever desire and I was bitterly disappointed at the sound of the alarm. Sitting in the bathroom, at my brothers house of all places, I was positive that at any point in time this too would be a dream I would be rudely forced to wake from.

Like I had said at the beginning, having waited nine years for this I'm sure you can imagine the degree of our excitement. Did I know that this was potentially only the beginning of what was to be a rough road ahead? Absolutely. But all reason and caution was quickly tossed aside. We wasted no time in telling the world. I imagined myself journaling and keeping a close account with the passing of each day and week.

In a matter of days our dream quickly turned into a nightmare. Even then I still contemplated sharing my experience here on blogger but it just proved to be too much for me to handle. Two weeks later it seems more of the opposite is true. If I do not give voice to this journey that I am on I may as well say goodbye to my sanity. I do not know yet how this will end. Will I have the boldness to be so vulnerable as to hit the "publish post" button... or will I settle with "save now". I imagine it will vary from day to day. The story may be disorderly, but it's primary purpose is for my own healing.