Only on my fifth attempt did I finally get the password right... guess it's been a while.... and even when I finally did it was a random guess at best.

The girls and I finished watching yet ANOTHER movie! AHHH!!! I think I'm going to go crazy! I can't stand watching so many movies! Yet at the end of the day I have little energy left to do much else and they all love to do it so who am I to argue?

I suggested to C that for our anniversary instead of doing the nice but traditional dinner and a movie, or even a night out of the house kinda deal we go to see Fife ( I think hat's how she spells it) in concert. Not that I like love her or anything but just to shake things up a little. Of course C being C wasn't all that keen on it, he much rather stick with the traditional but I know that out of sheer respect for me he will bend to my likings... :)

Oh well.... come August things will kick it into high gear around this joint and September will be here before we know it. Gotta sit down and seriously start planing out the school year. With this being our first full year of homeschooling I really want it to be a fun and positive experience. How cheesmo does THAT sound?! Oh well... we'll have fun.

Urg!!! Another failed attempt at downloading a program. I am so computerally (if that's even a word) inept!!

Hmmm... what else shall I divulge tonight...

I dreamt about my father last night. It was an unusual sort of dream. Actually come to think of it it is unusual that I dream of him at all. He looked... well not how I pictured him. Which that in itself is probably quite accurate.

So instead of going on like a family trip this summer we decided to stick around home base a bit more and get a start on developing the basement. But first it has to get cleaned out of all the junk that was so neatly stacked not once, not twice, but three times and then rummaged through time and time again over the years. And where am I going with all this.... shute... OMG.. totally drawing a blank here... Let's see... basement... junk... bins.... letters... pictures... YES!!!! It's all coming back to me now. O.K.! Quick! Before I forget again! So I'm going through the kids old stuff. And if you can imagine, lot's of kids equals lot's of stuff even though most of which I already gave away keeping only the extra special little outfits they came home, report cards etc. Then I also have a few big ticket baby/toddler items and this CRAZY thought goes through my head!

"I should keep this for the grand kids." Yeah, funny hu? Very funny!

Not many people my age start considering their grandchildren as they weed though their basement junk. So yeah, I kept the ride on car. Keeping the mini high chair, etc. etc. Then I went further with that thought... man in five years M is going to be twenty years old. It's just been three years that M and H have been with us but I know that the next five is going to pass with a blink of an eye. TWENTY! Like that's not even eighteen, that's TWENTY! It wasn't that long ago that I was twenty... It's a bit scary to think too how much maturing must go on in a person just in those few years.

Ok I could go on but why would I?

Ok yeah just one more thing... I got a Nikon D80. SO COOL! Even got my first job lined up already. We'll see how badly I'll bomb that one.

Oh and... I got a dog. So there...

Mother Margaret

Today was and still is to this very moment odd...

The very fact that I am at the computer actually typing and not just thinking about typing. This is odd.

Feelings. Feelings are odd. I've had to put up with a lot of unpleasant, uncharted and undesirable feelings these last few days. I can not stand the turmoil they cause within me. I am furious that I can not predict my own behavior. There is a certain protocol... There was a certain protocol. A prototype, a blueprint, a game plan. Somewhere, somehow, someone changed the rules and forgot to tell me. This is my game for crying out loud! My game!

I like new things. Come to think of it I hate them too... I guess it's a love hate relationship. It figures. I'm not one to get attached to material possessions. In theory I would be happy to swap houses every three or four years just for the change of scenery. And again, in theory I would pick up and leave everything behind if offered the opportunity to serve among the poor and orphaned children in Africa. Really. In a heartbeat. I would not give it a second thought.... Although if you would knew my reasons why you wouldn't think it quite as noble as it all sounds.

I'll have to finish another time... life beckons...

Today I am spent. I've got nothing left to give and tomorrow doesn't necessarily hold any more promise. But then again today DID look promising. So tomorrow could turn out to be better then imagined or... it could REALLY suck. Fun.

Vanishing Acts

Hi, my name is Jane and I am an alcoholic.
Except that I am not. But I might as well be.
Booze, drugs, gambling, t.v, books. Pick you vices.
Where do you look to for your next high?
What bridges the gap for you, from where you are to....
To where you want to be?
Except that that's a lie as well.
Or is it?
Is it fair to say...
That I want to be somewhere,
if I don't know where?
Anywhere but here.
Anywhere... yet nowhere...

Eavesdropping

Hmmm.... I hope I wasn't like that in the old days....

My baby is officially seven.... it's hard to believe and makes my heart kinda cramp up in a surreal kinda way. But we've got a special bond, always have and I can only hope and pray we always will. It goes way back to when he was just a wee little one and we would sit early in the mornings at the window after Daddy left for work. We would sit and watch all the cars, trucks, and buses as the rushed on by.

Today he confessed that although he is seven he will always be my baby.

And yet.. and yet his eye has caught another. I'm a bit shocked, I'll admit. I mean, he's a boy and quite an absent minded one at that .. and yet. Ahh she's a darling if I do say so myself. And it was quite something watching her watching him as she was standing up on stage receiving her little diploma. One day he asked me how exactly he would go about getting her but by the looks of it he's got nothing to worry bout. :)