Nothin much...

...just late night ramblings...

I'm having a love affair on my husband, on my family. A love affair with my camera that is. It consumes me and I can finally understand, even sympathize with workaholics. Why anyone would want to pay me to be behind the camera I don't know. It seems utterly ludicrous, like someone paying me to go to an amusement park or something of the sort. If I'm not out shooting, I'm working on post production. If I'm not on post production I'm at a meeting with other photographers or surfing the forum for more info, and if I'm not doing that then I am at the park or at the beach with my kids and undoubtedly with a book or a magazine on photography in hand. I could go on and on... really... I could bore you half to death. I could talk till I got blue in the face. I can't even walk up a simple stair way without carefully examining all the ever changing angles and taking mental notes on which spot would be best to shoot from. I was in my glory when I was out twelve hours straight shooting a wedding.

I hate baby showers. I really do. I've contemplated this for some time now but I think I have finally decided to just band them from my life. Unless it's like in anticipation of your first one bro... then I'd have to make an exception. It would seem kind of odd if I didn't show at a shower I threw, but other then that it's a nope, zip, zilch, nada! I'll send a fancy gift in my name. That will be my contribution. Hmm... I hope none of you peeps are keeping up with this blog still... unlikely but in the off chance, take nothing personally, and keep it to yourself.

It's odd that I am using my priceless camera time blogging... really odd.

I smelled you in my room today... pissed me off.
Has mercy run dry?

I couldn't sleep last night
Made me wanna pull my hair and cry.

You know there is little I won't do or sacrifice for my kids but among all them here's the toughest. Giving up a kid for my kids. I've toyed and prayed around the idea of 'having' another child over a few years now. Sometimes I am SO there, and others not so there but most of the time I'm half way in the middle of where I don't know...

I??? Me, myself, and I would love another one. But then I would also love to go to Africa but so what? In the grand scheme of things who the heck cares what "I" want? It wouldn't be in the best interest of my family, at least not at this time. There is seven of us and not a single one of us get all the things, not even half the things we think we love/want/need. (reminds me of Blue Like Grass and the story of Sexy Carrot. lol )

So when I think of another precious little one, who has nothing... who may be in a hotel room right this very minute just longing for someone to hold it close to their chest, to hear another heart beat, to feel the warmth of a body pressed against theirs, my hear aches...

So I continue to pray. I don't know what to do with that. Five children in a lot of children and although I know plenty a mom who have more then that I just don't know if I can stretch further then I do already. Teenagers... as independent as they strive to be need their parents all the more. C is always gonna be C and even when at his best he is still a handful and a challenge to keep entertained. S will always be S and is so darn easy going that he could easily fall between the cracks so to speak, but I'm not ok with that. And L who is always so people hungry will suck anyone dry in a matter of minutes. It's a challenge to communicate my love to her when we are so polar opposite. Is there room for one more? I duno... time will tell.

That's enough for now...

... oh and her name is Zoe not Gus...

Only on my fifth attempt did I finally get the password right... guess it's been a while.... and even when I finally did it was a random guess at best.

The girls and I finished watching yet ANOTHER movie! AHHH!!! I think I'm going to go crazy! I can't stand watching so many movies! Yet at the end of the day I have little energy left to do much else and they all love to do it so who am I to argue?

I suggested to C that for our anniversary instead of doing the nice but traditional dinner and a movie, or even a night out of the house kinda deal we go to see Fife ( I think hat's how she spells it) in concert. Not that I like love her or anything but just to shake things up a little. Of course C being C wasn't all that keen on it, he much rather stick with the traditional but I know that out of sheer respect for me he will bend to my likings... :)

Oh well.... come August things will kick it into high gear around this joint and September will be here before we know it. Gotta sit down and seriously start planing out the school year. With this being our first full year of homeschooling I really want it to be a fun and positive experience. How cheesmo does THAT sound?! Oh well... we'll have fun.

Urg!!! Another failed attempt at downloading a program. I am so computerally (if that's even a word) inept!!

Hmmm... what else shall I divulge tonight...

I dreamt about my father last night. It was an unusual sort of dream. Actually come to think of it it is unusual that I dream of him at all. He looked... well not how I pictured him. Which that in itself is probably quite accurate.

So instead of going on like a family trip this summer we decided to stick around home base a bit more and get a start on developing the basement. But first it has to get cleaned out of all the junk that was so neatly stacked not once, not twice, but three times and then rummaged through time and time again over the years. And where am I going with all this.... shute... OMG.. totally drawing a blank here... Let's see... basement... junk... bins.... letters... pictures... YES!!!! It's all coming back to me now. O.K.! Quick! Before I forget again! So I'm going through the kids old stuff. And if you can imagine, lot's of kids equals lot's of stuff even though most of which I already gave away keeping only the extra special little outfits they came home, report cards etc. Then I also have a few big ticket baby/toddler items and this CRAZY thought goes through my head!

"I should keep this for the grand kids." Yeah, funny hu? Very funny!

Not many people my age start considering their grandchildren as they weed though their basement junk. So yeah, I kept the ride on car. Keeping the mini high chair, etc. etc. Then I went further with that thought... man in five years M is going to be twenty years old. It's just been three years that M and H have been with us but I know that the next five is going to pass with a blink of an eye. TWENTY! Like that's not even eighteen, that's TWENTY! It wasn't that long ago that I was twenty... It's a bit scary to think too how much maturing must go on in a person just in those few years.

Ok I could go on but why would I?

Ok yeah just one more thing... I got a Nikon D80. SO COOL! Even got my first job lined up already. We'll see how badly I'll bomb that one.

Oh and... I got a dog. So there...

Mother Margaret

Today was and still is to this very moment odd...

The very fact that I am at the computer actually typing and not just thinking about typing. This is odd.

Feelings. Feelings are odd. I've had to put up with a lot of unpleasant, uncharted and undesirable feelings these last few days. I can not stand the turmoil they cause within me. I am furious that I can not predict my own behavior. There is a certain protocol... There was a certain protocol. A prototype, a blueprint, a game plan. Somewhere, somehow, someone changed the rules and forgot to tell me. This is my game for crying out loud! My game!

I like new things. Come to think of it I hate them too... I guess it's a love hate relationship. It figures. I'm not one to get attached to material possessions. In theory I would be happy to swap houses every three or four years just for the change of scenery. And again, in theory I would pick up and leave everything behind if offered the opportunity to serve among the poor and orphaned children in Africa. Really. In a heartbeat. I would not give it a second thought.... Although if you would knew my reasons why you wouldn't think it quite as noble as it all sounds.

I'll have to finish another time... life beckons...

Today I am spent. I've got nothing left to give and tomorrow doesn't necessarily hold any more promise. But then again today DID look promising. So tomorrow could turn out to be better then imagined or... it could REALLY suck. Fun.

Vanishing Acts

Hi, my name is Jane and I am an alcoholic.
Except that I am not. But I might as well be.
Booze, drugs, gambling, t.v, books. Pick you vices.
Where do you look to for your next high?
What bridges the gap for you, from where you are to....
To where you want to be?
Except that that's a lie as well.
Or is it?
Is it fair to say...
That I want to be somewhere,
if I don't know where?
Anywhere but here.
Anywhere... yet nowhere...