April 22nd

There is a lot of health benefits to eating honey none of which will I get into at the moment but one of the most obvious effects that honey has is it makes the bitter sweet again which is what mine did for me today.

Thank you love.

Did you know that the brain of a young child will not be fooled by optical illusions? News to me. It certainly would have been a helpful bit of information to have the time I tried to incorporate one in a homeschooling lesson. It is only with our mature and experienced brains that we learn how to miss read information according to it's context. Yet I think we can all agree that for the most part, context is necessary.

Turns out there is more traffic round this little old blog of mine then I ever could have apprehended. Which can only mean one thing. Time for a disclaimer. See it's all in the context. If you take every word for what it's worth... well I don't know what you ARE doing but what you SHOULD be doing is calling the local police because I'm pretty sure I've made mention to drowning someone... maybe... one... or twice... a long time ago. :)

Some of what you read is fact, some is fiction. Most of it is off the cuff and passes by numerous of filters I otherwise make use of on a regular basis. I'd say it's my attempt at keeping it real and authentic but I know for a fact that in today's times folks have link authenticity with the license to do and say anything they may feel like at any give moment without much a thought to ones neighbor. Which if you ask me results in nothing more then mere stupidity, and a general a breed of rude and arrogant people. Yeah, yeah, I get that out ancestors were stiff-necked people and you crave freedom of expression but ask yourself this. Since when does swinging the pendulum to the other side bring balance?

I write without obligation to explain myself, or to make sense for that matter. I write primarily for me, not for you. I write despite of the fact that I am not gifted at it. I write because most of the time I like to and because sometimes I simply need to.

It starts pleasantly enough with me and my baby wadding in some water with friends at a family camp. I get called upon, have to attend to something or another so I ask my friend Cheryl to watch my little one who is sitting contently in a floaty. I have been gone a few minutes at most.

As I am making my way back I see my baby scrimmaging out of the safety buckle and standing on the flotation device. Nobody is minding her. I yell for help but I might as well be mute. I scream obscenities in an effort of getting someones attention. She cannot stand. Not on her own. Don't they realize this? She's only seven months old. I run but do not move. I watch as she falls in the water yet still no one has taken note. I jump in after her. I think, "This can not be happening to me, can it? Not again... I can't lose another one. How could it... ".

We dive under, searching, hoping to retrieve her but it is useless. My baby is gone. The following day they drain the lake and find my baby's body just to the other side of where she first went under.

Fast forward to the funeral. A small white chapel, white roses, white coffin. This is how it should be I think to myself. She was so small and innocent. So pure. My baby...

Roses are Red

Went to hang with some peeps today. I've been avoiding them for some time now. They were expecting and now have a second daughter. Two of the most unbelievably adorable little girls one could find.

She's kept her distance, both out of respect and out of awkwardness I presume. He peers into my soul which freaks me right out. I feel exposed like I did with James the other day.

Babies everywhere and it's not even like I can ignore them try as I might. For one, they are super cute and two it seems everyone is compelled to makes silly baby noises. I leave the room.

My first OB never gave us a due date. I imagine she suspected it would not end well. With the second pregnancy I did get one and despite my alarm the date is rapidly approching. I'm thinking of crawling under a rock.

Happy Birthday to you...

My times with this girl are like gold.
Embraced her for hours, exchanged few words, said a thousand things.

What a wretched last few says it's been. Since the first MC I have tried to convince myself that the actual act of MC is painful but bearable. I was wrong. It hurts like a bitch. The worst part of it is that I am fine one second and completely incapacitated the next. This sucks. I have a life. I do not wish to nor do I have the luxury to lye in bed for a week. You'd think my kids would be used to it by now but I'm sure it's rather confusing when I am joking around one minute and the next lying on the couch with tears streaming down my pain stricken face. I'd think me mad.

On the plus side, my little girl seems to be more willing to talk about our repeated losses. I know it's been tearing her up inside. I have sent many a prayers on her behalf. What a charge it is to walk my little darlings through this graciously when I myself am at complete loss.

I joined an e-class today and although it does not start for another month I am rather excited about it. Here is the link if you interested:

again not working.... I guess we will just have to go with the good old fashion copy and paste.

http://infertilityeclass.com/Register.html

I'm super psyched. Did I mentioned that? For one, although I know it's not like super revolutionary or anything, I have never done anything like this before. And secondly I recognize how isolating this journey can be and how essential it is to have a community around you who simply get you without you having to explain yourself and without the fear of being judged.

Yeah gotta love contractions without a baby to show for.

Imagine, let's say something the size of a golf ball being pulled through your inner organs at a very sluggish pace allowing you to relish in the experience all the more. Painkillers don't help a bit. I take them anyways. I think of booze, of weed, and of booze. Clearly I'm out of my mind. Slightly ludicrous. Thank God for husbands and the prehistoric invention of hot water bottles. Without those by my side I would be a mess.

MC stands for...

Allow me to give you a bit of a crash course on the native tong of the infertile.

BTN- Big Fat Negative
BFP- Big Fat Positive :)
2WW- The two week wait after ovulation.
AF - Aunt Flow (that would be THAT time of the month)
DPO- Days Past Ovulation
HCG- Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HPT- Home Pregnancy Test
MC is for miscarriage.

Six Weeks, Four Days.

"How are you feeling?"

A popular question these days and I really don't mind except that my answer is always the same.

"Too good." I answer.

Here is the scoop. I honestly don't expect myself to reach eight weeks so I guess we will make this the first goal. Not like I can do anything to obtain it but it just helps me in the wait. Somehow three shorter time spans seem more endurable then one long one. And even if I do get there it's not like we're in the clear. I just may be carrying a dead baby, blissfully unaware. Ok maybe minus the bliss part but you get the idea.

Goal #2 is ten weeks. If I have made it that far without any bleeding things have obviously progressed further then ever before. If I miscarriage after it will only prove to be that much more painful both emotionally and physically.

The small light at the end of the tunnel and also my third goal for this trying season is the thirteenth week which is noted as the beginning of the second trimester. After the thirteenth week, chances of miscarriage drop to bellow 10%.

Six Weeks, Three days.

Today while searching for my daughters birth certificate I came across a summary of my last ultrasound. I'll spare you the details and simply tell you that their "snographic findings likely indicate pregnancy failure at 7wks."

This leaves me all the more frightened. I can not help but feel at times I am doing nothing but merely fooling myself. In less then a month my world will come crashing down yet again.

Six Weeks, Two Days.

Nothing monumental to report on. I am totally shocked we have gotten thus far but that is not preventing me from worrying.

Quite honestly, with the first pregnancy I have no idea when I got pregnant. Therefor not quite sure how far along I was when I miscarried. The only reason I even found out was because I hadn't been feeling quite right for months and based on the urging of a friend I decided that I ought to get checked out. Did a home pregnancy test to eliminate that as a possibility and low and behold, much to everyone's surprise it came out positive. Two days later I had an ultrasound that shower a pregnancy that had stopped developing. Needless to say we were heart broken. It is a far far fall from the ultimate high down into the pits of hell.

Only two months later and I was pregnant again. Went in for the first prenatal care appointment where the OB did tests and gave us a due date of April 22. I started bleeding that same evening. Had a few ultrasounds to confirm their diagnosis of miscarriage, and although at one point things looked like they may be taking a turn for the better in the end our second baby had much the same fate as our first. I know I was further along then with the first and maybe that is why, but my body took it's sweet time to recuperating and allowing us to start trying again which bring us to our third.

Six weeks, and two days. As I've said before, I've refused any and all tests knowing that whatever will be will be. We are all on pins and needles as is and we do not need the extra hasle and the ups and downs these tests naturally create. On the other hand it leaves us completely in the dark and nothing with which to gauge upon the well being of this child.


If this were to be my first pregnancy there would be nothing out of the ordinary that would cause me concern. Everything seems to be progressing along just fine. Although it is not consistent, I have felt bouts of nausea like never before with the other two pregnancy's. No spotting is also always a good sign. I'm not sure that I have gotten this far without it which again leaves me hopeful...

...and hopeful is a very scary place to be.

Six Weeks!

Half an inch. That's the size of our little bean at six weeks. It's facial features are forming with dark spots where the eyes are, openings where the nostrils will be, and pits to mark the ears.

Little buds for arms and legs become more noticable this week and although you can't hear it yet, the babies heart (which has divided into the right and left chambers) is beating at about 150 beats a minute -- twice the rate of yours and mine.

Just a few more days and the baby will be making it's first movements! How thrilling! It gives me the goosebumps!

This of course, is best case scenario, but nausea is remaining steady so we're keeping our fingers crossed.

5 Weeks, 6 Days

Hey I never thought I'd be so happy to be nauseous again! That along with some great burping and heartburn! Wooot woot! Haha... totally joking but whatever...

Came across this funny little song about a family tree. If my little bean ever makes it into this big wide world he/she will be glad to know that it could be worse. :)



... and it's not working... of course it's not, why would it be. Oh well, look it up on my wall.

5 Weeks, 5 Days

Starting to bore myself even. Bleeding gums have passed. Always tired but I am definitely under the weather these days. Considering, I accomplished a lot today. Although that also may have something to do with one of my kids being locked up in solitary confinement for the entire day.

You know your way to familiar with your own reproductive system when instead of asking your OB what tests are required, you call the receptionist and order them yourself. And that's exactly what I did, I just couldn't muster any energy to go and do it. It was either take a half hour nap or go and get my blood drawn. I went for the nap. Regrettable choice because I just dawned on me that I will now have to wait till Monday to do the first run, Wednesday for the second, Thursday for results. That's an entire week. I should have just sucked it up.

5 weeks, 3 days.

On more then one occasion, based purely on the symptoms I was having, I had myself convinced that I was pregnant. Of course me simply being convinced did not make it so and I would cry those months more then I usually did.

In accord to this silly law of sort, if I have no hope for this pregnancy, what exactly does that mean?

Week 5, Day 3.

Nauseous... I hate spelling that word, no matter now many times I use it I can never get it right. Anyways... nauseous? not. I know it's still really early, but I can not help but take note of the fact that it seems like there is less symptoms every day. Your probably tired of hearing about my breasts, nothing much has changed there, and my gums are still bleeding when brushing my teeth, but other then that I seem to have nothing.... I used t be able to feel my body... stretching for lack of a better word, and now I can't even feel that.

Still. Best to stick to the obvious facts. No blood is a good sign.

New Year...

...new look. I wasn't all that fond of the last look, and considering the options available I don't know that this is any better but we'll just go for it.

I took a three hour nap this afternoon and got rudely interrupted by my dog and her uncontrollable barking. Why fix the doorbell when you have a dog on hand? And who is at my door but a couple of local police men? We live in Weston. It's not crazy out of the ordinary except when I find out that they were there in regards to my eight year old daughter. Now that is crazy! Or should I say that the lady across the street is crazy. Old and bitter, and crazy. It's all good. We'll take care of it. ;)

Honestly I thought I would have more energy with my little nap and all, I thought would be up all night doing who knows what but it's half past midnight and I am ready to hit the sack so I will go straight to my updates.

It seems I have been a week off in my calculations. I am only 5 weeks, and 2 days. This is both a good and bad news. Good news in that my concerns about not experiencing morning sickness have been premature as it usually does not hit till around week 6. Bad news? I am only half way till the ten week mark, which I have never yet obtained. Maybe I will allow myself the right to breath a little if I ever do get there. Maybe....

No great symptoms to report on.

Breasts feeling like two atomic size masses. Tired. And to be honest I did have some cramping on my left side last night as well as today. Not ridiculously intense, not prolonged, but definitely there. Much to everyone's relief I am not feeling quite as crabby the last few days.

G'night.

My little man turned seven the other day. Just in case I have not mentioned recently how remarkable he is let me say it one more time. I truly do aspire to be like him. As part of a creative writing assignment he was given the task of convincing us as to why it would be a good idea to celebrate his birthday three times a year instead of just once. On and typical day, any typical child (and many an adult) would be all over this! (I know I would.) Who says no to more parties in their name, more cake, more presents, and just the general the feeling of being cherished more?

Well my toothless now seven year old was distraught. There was just no way he was going to do this assignment because to celebrate him more the once a year, "...would just not be right." to quote both him and CJ. Who raised these kids anyways? :S

Had the pleasure of taking my bro out for his birthday this evening to a nice dinner at a little place called Cafe Carlo(s)... I think....(off of Corydon) something of the sort, brother correct me if I am wrong. Food was great, although agreeably on the salty side, which normally is not a problem for me but towards the end it actually got to be a bit too much. Company was not so bad (wink wink)... actually company was great. :) And it was just really, really nice to get out and stop fretting over my current condition even if it was just for one nigh.

Actually, to be honest I have thought about it all significantly less in the last few days. At times maybe even forgotten that I am actually, for all intense and purposes pregnant. I may get into this more another time but for now... symptoms of the day.

-Placenta brain? (look it up :) ) Too soon for me but really? Spelling "cooperate" with a Q?
-breast tenderness... but maybe that just comes from squeezing the life out of them while checking whether or not they are sore. :)
-bleeding gums. Again, wasn't expecting this one this early on.
-nauseous? No. Not at all, thanks for asking, and yes this is causing me great concern.
-temporarily moved bed to bathroom. Anybody that knows me knows I go pee a ridiculous amount of times all in one day, and that's just when I'm NOT pregnant. That and the frequent TP readings in an effort to find out the fate of my future, and well... it just seemed to make sense.
-and tiredness... I think... although it's hard to say because when am I NOT tired, pregnant or not but I think it's to a greater degree. So great that I'm not doing a once over on this and sending it straight to the press. Forgive me and my placenta brain. :) Have to get up and get my hair done tomorrow morning! Yikes, this could be bad!

January 14th actually (appears I've been a day off)

Rather then being overjoyed at our recent pregnancy I am finding myself to be rather discouraged.

Women who have experienced two consecutive miscarriages still have a 85% rate of carrying a normal pregnancy. Why is it that I can not take comfort in this stat? I should be more tired, more sick, more cranky? No I've got that one covered.

Week 5, Day 6.

- learned how to burp the alphabet in one day.
- mild abdominal pressure.

January 12th, Week 5, Day 5

Nauseous and a pleasant mouth full of vomit to report on. Could be a good sign or it could have just been one too many cookies. :) Headache.

Third time the charm?

So I POAS today and got a BFP.

A great way to start the new year?

A rocky way to start a new year.

I've decided that outside of giving my OB a call to notify her of the pregnancy I will not be going in for any testing. No hcgs, no paps, no ultrasounds. It's not going to make a difference one way or another. What will be will be. I intend to enjoy the presence of my baby every day that we are given. I do not need more reason to stress. I've got that area fully covered. Oh how I wish that a BFP was the end of the race, not just the beginning.

Done with analyzing every symptom I have and fabricating any I do not all in an effort to convince myself that this is THE month.

Did two HPS from Dollorma, one last Saturday, came up faint positive (hehe! I DID say I would not invest another dollar in this industry so I went the cheap route.) One today which again come up faint positive. Not wanting to goof around I dished out the 15 bucks for brand name and thankfully got a BFP!

At least for the time being I am done obsessing about getting pregnant. I am moving on to bigger and better things. Obsessing about BEING pregnant. Thus the daily account... lucky you. :)

Conception date, apparently Christmas Day, kinda sweet since it's DH birthday.

January 11th: Week 5, Day 4.

Moody to the max. Outside of that no real symptoms. Still experiencing light abdominal pressure as if to expect AF arrival any minute. Checking TP every time. Will I ever stop?