Loving Carefully

April 22nd

2010-04-22T21:45:00.000-07:00

There is a lot of health benefits to eating honey none of which will I get into at the moment but one of the most obvious effects that honey has is it makes the bitter sweet again which is what mine did for me today.

Thank you love.

2010-04-02T22:05:00.000-07:00

Did you know that the brain of a young child will not be fooled by optical illusions? News to me. It certainly would have been a helpful bit of information to have the time I tried to incorporate one in a homeschooling lesson. It is only with our mature and experienced brains that we learn how to miss read information according to it's context. Yet I think we can all agree that for the most part, context is necessary.

Turns out there is more traffic round this little old blog of mine then I ever could have apprehended. Which can only mean one thing. Time for a disclaimer. See it's all in the context. If you take every word for what it's worth... well I don't know what you ARE doing but what you SHOULD be doing is calling the local police because I'm pretty sure I've made mention to drowning someone... maybe... one... or twice... a long time ago. :)

Some of what you read is fact, some is fiction. Most of it is off the cuff and passes by numerous of filters I otherwise make use of on a regular basis. I'd say it's my attempt at keeping it real and authentic but I know for a fact that in today's times folks have link authenticity with the license to do and say anything they may feel like at any give moment without much a thought to ones neighbor. Which if you ask me results in nothing more then mere stupidity, and a general a breed of rude and arrogant people. Yeah, yeah, I get that out ancestors were stiff-necked people and you crave freedom of expression but ask yourself this. Since when does swinging the pendulum to the other side bring balance?

I write without obligation to explain myself, or to make sense for that matter. I write primarily for me, not for you. I write despite of the fact that I am not gifted at it. I write because most of the time I like to and because sometimes I simply need to.

2010-03-09T21:38:00.000-08:00

It starts pleasantly enough with me and my baby wadding in some water with friends at a family camp. I get called upon, have to attend to something or another so I ask my friend Cheryl to watch my little one who is sitting contently in a floaty. I have been gone a few minutes at most.

As I am making my way back I see my baby scrimmaging out of the safety buckle and standing on the flotation device. Nobody is minding her. I yell for help but I might as well be mute. I scream obscenities in an effort of getting someones attention. She cannot stand. Not on her own. Don't they realize this? She's only seven months old. I run but do not move. I watch as she falls in the water yet still no one has taken note. I jump in after her. I think, "This can not be happening to me, can it? Not again... I can't lose another one. How could it... ".

We dive under, searching, hoping to retrieve her but it is useless. My baby is gone. The following day they drain the lake and find my baby's body just to the other side of where she first went under.

Fast forward to the funeral. A small white chapel, white roses, white coffin. This is how it should be I think to myself. She was so small and innocent. So pure. My baby...

Roses are Red

2010-03-06T22:18:00.000-08:00

Went to hang with some peeps today. I've been avoiding them for some time now. They were expecting and now have a second daughter. Two of the most unbelievably adorable little girls one could find.

She's kept her distance, both out of respect and out of awkwardness I presume. He peers into my soul which freaks me right out. I feel exposed like I did with James the other day.

Babies everywhere and it's not even like I can ignore them try as I might. For one, they are super cute and two it seems everyone is compelled to makes silly baby noises. I leave the room.

My first OB never gave us a due date. I imagine she suspected it would not end well. With the second pregnancy I did get one and despite my alarm the date is rapidly approching. I'm thinking of crawling under a rock.

Happy Birthday to you...

2010-02-18T22:16:00.000-08:00

My times with this girl are like gold.
Embraced her for hours, exchanged few words, said a thousand things.

2010-02-01T21:11:00.000-08:00

What a wretched last few says it's been. Since the first MC I have tried to convince myself that the actual act of MC is painful but bearable. I was wrong. It hurts like a bitch. The worst part of it is that I am fine one second and completely incapacitated the next. This sucks. I have a life. I do not wish to nor do I have the luxury to lye in bed for a week. You'd think my kids would be used to it by now but I'm sure it's rather confusing when I am joking around one minute and the next lying on the couch with tears streaming down my pain stricken face. I'd think me mad.

On the plus side, my little girl seems to be more willing to talk about our repeated losses. I know it's been tearing her up inside. I have sent many a prayers on her behalf. What a charge it is to walk my little darlings through this graciously when I myself am at complete loss.

I joined an e-class today and although it does not start for another month I am rather excited about it. Here is the link if you interested:

again not working.... I guess we will just have to go with the good old fashion copy and paste.

http://infertilityeclass.com/Register.html

I'm super psyched. Did I mentioned that? For one, although I know it's not like super revolutionary or anything, I have never done anything like this before. And secondly I recognize how isolating this journey can be and how essential it is to have a community around you who simply get you without you having to explain yourself and without the fear of being judged.

2010-01-29T22:25:00.000-08:00

Yeah gotta love contractions without a baby to show for.

Imagine, let's say something the size of a golf ball being pulled through your inner organs at a very sluggish pace allowing you to relish in the experience all the more. Painkillers don't help a bit. I take them anyways. I think of booze, of weed, and of booze. Clearly I'm out of my mind. Slightly ludicrous. Thank God for husbands and the prehistoric invention of hot water bottles. Without those by my side I would be a mess.

MC stands for...

2010-01-27T21:33:00.000-08:00

Allow me to give you a bit of a crash course on the native tong of the infertile.

BTN- Big Fat Negative
BFP- Big Fat Positive :)
2WW- The two week wait after ovulation.
AF - Aunt Flow (that would be THAT time of the month)
DPO- Days Past Ovulation
HCG- Human Chorionic Gonadotropin
HPT- Home Pregnancy Test
MC is for miscarriage.

Six Weeks, Four Days.

2010-01-26T20:22:00.000-08:00

"How are you feeling?"

A popular question these days and I really don't mind except that my answer is always the same.

"Too good." I answer.

Here is the scoop. I honestly don't expect myself to reach eight weeks so I guess we will make this the first goal. Not like I can do anything to obtain it but it just helps me in the wait. Somehow three shorter time spans seem more endurable then one long one. And even if I do get there it's not like we're in the clear. I just may be carrying a dead baby, blissfully unaware. Ok maybe minus the bliss part but you get the idea.

Goal #2 is ten weeks. If I have made it that far without any bleeding things have obviously progressed further then ever before. If I miscarriage after it will only prove to be that much more painful both emotionally and physically.

The small light at the end of the tunnel and also my third goal for this trying season is the thirteenth week which is noted as the beginning of the second trimester. After the thirteenth week, chances of miscarriage drop to bellow 10%.

Six Weeks, Three days.

2010-01-25T21:34:00.000-08:00

Today while searching for my daughters birth certificate I came across a summary of my last ultrasound. I'll spare you the details and simply tell you that their "snographic findings likely indicate pregnancy failure at 7wks."

This leaves me all the more frightened. I can not help but feel at times I am doing nothing but merely fooling myself. In less then a month my world will come crashing down yet again.

Six Weeks, Two Days.

2010-01-24T21:16:00.000-08:00

Nothing monumental to report on. I am totally shocked we have gotten thus far but that is not preventing me from worrying.

Quite honestly, with the first pregnancy I have no idea when I got pregnant. Therefor not quite sure how far along I was when I miscarried. The only reason I even found out was because I hadn't been feeling quite right for months and based on the urging of a friend I decided that I ought to get checked out. Did a home pregnancy test to eliminate that as a possibility and low and behold, much to everyone's surprise it came out positive. Two days later I had an ultrasound that shower a pregnancy that had stopped developing. Needless to say we were heart broken. It is a far far fall from the ultimate high down into the pits of hell.

Only two months later and I was pregnant again. Went in for the first prenatal care appointment where the OB did tests and gave us a due date of April 22. I started bleeding that same evening. Had a few ultrasounds to confirm their diagnosis of miscarriage, and although at one point things looked like they may be taking a turn for the better in the end our second baby had much the same fate as our first. I know I was further along then with the first and maybe that is why, but my body took it's sweet time to recuperating and allowing us to start trying again which bring us to our third.

Six weeks, and two days. As I've said before, I've refused any and all tests knowing that whatever will be will be. We are all on pins and needles as is and we do not need the extra hasle and the ups and downs these tests naturally create. On the other hand it leaves us completely in the dark and nothing with which to gauge upon the well being of this child.

If this were to be my first pregnancy there would be nothing out of the ordinary that would cause me concern. Everything seems to be progressing along just fine. Although it is not consistent, I have felt bouts of nausea like never before with the other two pregnancy's. No spotting is also always a good sign. I'm not sure that I have gotten this far without it which again leaves me hopeful...

...and hopeful is a very scary place to be.

Six Weeks!

2010-01-22T22:52:00.000-08:00

Half an inch. That's the size of our little bean at six weeks. It's facial features are forming with dark spots where the eyes are, openings where the nostrils will be, and pits to mark the ears.

Little buds for arms and legs become more noticable this week and although you can't hear it yet, the babies heart (which has divided into the right and left chambers) is beating at about 150 beats a minute -- twice the rate of yours and mine.

Just a few more days and the baby will be making it's first movements! How thrilling! It gives me the goosebumps!

This of course, is best case scenario, but nausea is remaining steady so we're keeping our fingers crossed.

5 Weeks, 6 Days

2010-01-21T20:53:00.000-08:00

Hey I never thought I'd be so happy to be nauseous again! That along with some great burping and heartburn! Wooot woot! Haha... totally joking but whatever...

Came across this funny little song about a family tree. If my little bean ever makes it into this big wide world he/she will be glad to know that it could be worse. :)

... and it's not working... of course it's not, why would it be. Oh well, look it up on my wall.

5 Weeks, 5 Days

2010-01-20T20:45:00.000-08:00

Starting to bore myself even. Bleeding gums have passed. Always tired but I am definitely under the weather these days. Considering, I accomplished a lot today. Although that also may have something to do with one of my kids being locked up in solitary confinement for the entire day.

You know your way to familiar with your own reproductive system when instead of asking your OB what tests are required, you call the receptionist and order them yourself. And that's exactly what I did, I just couldn't muster any energy to go and do it. It was either take a half hour nap or go and get my blood drawn. I went for the nap. Regrettable choice because I just dawned on me that I will now have to wait till Monday to do the first run, Wednesday for the second, Thursday for results. That's an entire week. I should have just sucked it up.

5 weeks, 3 days.

2010-01-18T21:10:00.000-08:00

On more then one occasion, based purely on the symptoms I was having, I had myself convinced that I was pregnant. Of course me simply being convinced did not make it so and I would cry those months more then I usually did.

In accord to this silly law of sort, if I have no hope for this pregnancy, what exactly does that mean?

Week 5, Day 3.

Nauseous... I hate spelling that word, no matter now many times I use it I can never get it right. Anyways... nauseous? not. I know it's still really early, but I can not help but take note of the fact that it seems like there is less symptoms every day. Your probably tired of hearing about my breasts, nothing much has changed there, and my gums are still bleeding when brushing my teeth, but other then that I seem to have nothing.... I used t be able to feel my body... stretching for lack of a better word, and now I can't even feel that.

Still. Best to stick to the obvious facts. No blood is a good sign.

New Year...

2010-01-17T22:19:00.000-08:00

...new look. I wasn't all that fond of the last look, and considering the options available I don't know that this is any better but we'll just go for it.

I took a three hour nap this afternoon and got rudely interrupted by my dog and her uncontrollable barking. Why fix the doorbell when you have a dog on hand? And who is at my door but a couple of local police men? We live in Weston. It's not crazy out of the ordinary except when I find out that they were there in regards to my eight year old daughter. Now that is crazy! Or should I say that the lady across the street is crazy. Old and bitter, and crazy. It's all good. We'll take care of it. ;)

Honestly I thought I would have more energy with my little nap and all, I thought would be up all night doing who knows what but it's half past midnight and I am ready to hit the sack so I will go straight to my updates.

It seems I have been a week off in my calculations. I am only 5 weeks, and 2 days. This is both a good and bad news. Good news in that my concerns about not experiencing morning sickness have been premature as it usually does not hit till around week 6. Bad news? I am only half way till the ten week mark, which I have never yet obtained. Maybe I will allow myself the right to breath a little if I ever do get there. Maybe....

No great symptoms to report on.

Breasts feeling like two atomic size masses. Tired. And to be honest I did have some cramping on my left side last night as well as today. Not ridiculously intense, not prolonged, but definitely there. Much to everyone's relief I am not feeling quite as crabby the last few days.

G'night.

2010-01-15T21:15:00.000-08:00

My little man turned seven the other day. Just in case I have not mentioned recently how remarkable he is let me say it one more time. I truly do aspire to be like him. As part of a creative writing assignment he was given the task of convincing us as to why it would be a good idea to celebrate his birthday three times a year instead of just once. On and typical day, any typical child (and many an adult) would be all over this! (I know I would.) Who says no to more parties in their name, more cake, more presents, and just the general the feeling of being cherished more?

Well my toothless now seven year old was distraught. There was just no way he was going to do this assignment because to celebrate him more the once a year, "...would just not be right." to quote both him and CJ. Who raised these kids anyways? :S

Had the pleasure of taking my bro out for his birthday this evening to a nice dinner at a little place called Cafe Carlo(s)... I think....(off of Corydon) something of the sort, brother correct me if I am wrong. Food was great, although agreeably on the salty side, which normally is not a problem for me but towards the end it actually got to be a bit too much. Company was not so bad (wink wink)... actually company was great. :) And it was just really, really nice to get out and stop fretting over my current condition even if it was just for one nigh.

Actually, to be honest I have thought about it all significantly less in the last few days. At times maybe even forgotten that I am actually, for all intense and purposes pregnant. I may get into this more another time but for now... symptoms of the day.

-Placenta brain? (look it up :) ) Too soon for me but really? Spelling "cooperate" with a Q?
-breast tenderness... but maybe that just comes from squeezing the life out of them while checking whether or not they are sore. :)
-bleeding gums. Again, wasn't expecting this one this early on.
-nauseous? No. Not at all, thanks for asking, and yes this is causing me great concern.
-temporarily moved bed to bathroom. Anybody that knows me knows I go pee a ridiculous amount of times all in one day, and that's just when I'm NOT pregnant. That and the frequent TP readings in an effort to find out the fate of my future, and well... it just seemed to make sense.
-and tiredness... I think... although it's hard to say because when am I NOT tired, pregnant or not but I think it's to a greater degree. So great that I'm not doing a once over on this and sending it straight to the press. Forgive me and my placenta brain. :) Have to get up and get my hair done tomorrow morning! Yikes, this could be bad!

2010-01-13T21:43:00.000-08:00

January 14th actually (appears I've been a day off)

Rather then being overjoyed at our recent pregnancy I am finding myself to be rather discouraged.

Women who have experienced two consecutive miscarriages still have a 85% rate of carrying a normal pregnancy. Why is it that I can not take comfort in this stat? I should be more tired, more sick, more cranky? No I've got that one covered.

Week 5, Day 6.

- learned how to burp the alphabet in one day.
- mild abdominal pressure.

January 12th, Week 5, Day 5

2010-01-12T20:10:00.000-08:00

Nauseous and a pleasant mouth full of vomit to report on. Could be a good sign or it could have just been one too many cookies. :) Headache.

Third time the charm?

2010-01-11T21:35:00.001-08:00

So I POAS today and got a BFP.

A great way to start the new year?

A rocky way to start a new year.

I've decided that outside of giving my OB a call to notify her of the pregnancy I will not be going in for any testing. No hcgs, no paps, no ultrasounds. It's not going to make a difference one way or another. What will be will be. I intend to enjoy the presence of my baby every day that we are given. I do not need more reason to stress. I've got that area fully covered. Oh how I wish that a BFP was the end of the race, not just the beginning.

Done with analyzing every symptom I have and fabricating any I do not all in an effort to convince myself that this is THE month.

Did two HPS from Dollorma, one last Saturday, came up faint positive (hehe! I DID say I would not invest another dollar in this industry so I went the cheap route.) One today which again come up faint positive. Not wanting to goof around I dished out the 15 bucks for brand name and thankfully got a BFP!

At least for the time being I am done obsessing about getting pregnant. I am moving on to bigger and better things. Obsessing about BEING pregnant. Thus the daily account... lucky you. :)

Conception date, apparently Christmas Day, kinda sweet since it's DH birthday.

January 11th: Week 5, Day 4.

Moody to the max. Outside of that no real symptoms. Still experiencing light abdominal pressure as if to expect AF arrival any minute. Checking TP every time. Will I ever stop?

R.I.P Kevin

2009-12-15T21:36:00.000-08:00

So it's been a while, as per usual, no need to stir things up and be prompt or anything.

I am not sure why I am here today. I have nothing of particular to say. I've sat here these last few nights and gone on a quest to search for some new music to feast my ears upon. One treasure you may or may not have heard. A Fine Frenzy, Almost Lovers. I think it's part of the New Moon soundtrack which in my books is a con not a pro but regardless. Now I am onto Ingrid Michaelson. Interesting lyrics. Broken girl from the little I gather. Sometimes this is good...

I bought new boots today. I know you may not think it so, and I cannot explain it but this is rather monumental...they will not last. I know this but I bought them regardless. I needed new boots. Besides, it's my birthday in a few days.

I am turning 29. I am old. 29 on the other hand is not. But such is life. Big family. Lot's of sacrifices and compromises for all alike.

Celebrating my birthday seemed like one big inconvenience this time around and I just could not stomach it. My annual five minute pity party. Invitation only, black-tie event kinda deal. It was a hoot, what can I say? I shouldn't complain. For all intense and purposes it appears I will finally ( I don't wanna jinks it) get to eat at Bistro 7.25. Only a few years in the making. Will keep you posted.

I saw people today, they pulled my strings one day. Nice to be free and and not obey.

I am egocentric. Every paragraph starts with the letter "I".

Haha!!

"Lets get rich and buy our parents homes in the south of France
Lets get rich and give everybody nice sweaters and teach them how to dance
Lets get rich and build a house on a mountain making everybody look like ants
From way up there, you and I, you and I"

Conrad and I need to put them lyrics to memory and make that the theme song of our lives! One day you will receive a nice sweater in the mail along with an invitation for dance lessons and you will immediately think of me.

H had a minor surgery today to remove some scar tissue that she has affectionately named "Kevin" over the years. I do not ever wish pain upon my darling but teleporting opportunities such as these do not present themselves very often. She looked daggers upon me, rebuking me for not being within reach. We locked eyes, joined hands, and fused hearts all the more. Love that girl to pieces...

2009-12-04T22:40:00.000-08:00

Note to self: Do not watch movies with chicks with big bellies.

2009-10-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

I am not a stranger to tiredness, although this time round it's really derailed me. It is one thing to face the blues, another to lose steam, but this I am unaccustomed to and unsure of how to cope with. One too many late nights, school, coping with multiple losses, adjusting to number six, the weather.... hmmm... the weather? As mentioned before it has this eerie tendency to dictate my life, or at least how I view it. I have made a vow, sworn an oath, to myself and to the well being of my entire brood, to hang tight till the sun shines again. Not now. Far from it. This darkness and chill of the night. So I hang tight...

...and build juice box costumes at night. ( ...having flashes of me and Taylor Swift doing a duet) Juice box costumes you might ask? (that's the word "might" with an M not "night" with an N) Yes. Juice Box Costume. Apple and white grape to be exact. 100% natural fruit juices. 100% recyclable. 100% lovable! I tell you, after having spent an entire day pouring myself out to 12 homeschooling children this was the LAST thing I wanted to with my Thursday evening and yet the ONE thing I most needed to refresh my soul. What can I say? This may seem rather odd and out of place to say here and now but regardless here it goes. "Dang she makes me proud." Pictures coming later for certain. Or maybe you'll just have to see it on facebook. Or maybe you won't. (Feeling really cheeky right now and biting my lip, in a stopping-my-fingers from-typing-kinda-way, to prevent me from adding something else here.)

I really am feeling cheeky. Must be the second wind.

Right... moving along.

My walkway is finished. It's a beaute. It really is. Wait till you see it next summer, with all the flower beds in place and all the grass freshly a'growin. Perfect just in time to sell. :) And yet regardless of how proud I am of the end result it will always be rather bitter sweet to look upon. I have lost not one, but two of my babies in the midst of this project. Some plant Baby's Breath to memorate, Margaret builds a walkway.

And speaking of babies... my "place of safety" has turned into Lamaze class so I'm bailing. I thought I could do it. I really did, but I can't. Besides, it's just best for all involved. No hard feelings. It just is what it is.

I just finished reading a really bad book. Not terrible like in a "that was really bad" sense, just terrible in a "that wasn't very good" sense. As in, there really wasn't enough in there to write a book on to begin with. I simply wasted a few hours of my life, time that I may never gain back and time that I have not a single thing to show for other then this.

After all maybe I too can be a published author.

Certainly anything I might write can not be any less useless then the book I just read. I'd tell you the title so you would not fall victim to it yourself, but I don't remember it. Rather suiting if you ask me.

This does not come up in the daily, "Hey how's the weather?" pleasantries most common folk tend to engage in so I'll just come out with it. I have a surrogate. I always kinda just wanna tell that to someone, get it of my chest you know? I feel so much better... And hey while I am at it I might as well tell all, that there is more then one.

Girls, girls, and more girls. Like I don't have enough dealings with them already. Like I don't have a hard enough time tracking down my hair brush in the mornings as is. Like I don't already NOT get to wear my new slippers because someone else has claimed them. (the fact that up until now I claimed someone else's slippers is entirely besides the point) Like I even like girls to begin with! We tend to be such a petty gender. Ahh... shut up Margaret. I suppose we all tend to cater to our lower selves at one time or another. Anyways... they are sweet girls, remarkable actually. They'd have to be because I do not accept anything less then pure excellence.

What else do you wanna know?

This new Beaver head kid? Justin or something the rather. Can't stand him. Really, is he even done with diapers yet? Stay tuned to a rewrite of his latest hit, One Less Lonely Girl. And no I do NOT want to send the ringtone to my cell phone.

Oh and... I started flossing. ;)

Sorry for the rough copy but there's just no time I tell yeah! No time!

2009-09-26T21:29:00.000-07:00

Dang I'm so tired. Not having picked up my camera all that much in the last few weeks I felt completely rusty for the first half of the day. Eleven hours later and all I wanna do is hit the sack yet I'm here. Hard to believe only one more wedding for the season and I'm done! Today was a total hit. A fantastic group of people. What's with the french folk, they always impress my socks off.

My front walk way was supposed to be finished tomorrow but I think it's going to have to wait some more. What's another day or two on top of the month long process.

It's good to take off for the day every now and again. People realize just how much you do round the joint. :)

REGRETS

2009-09-20T19:05:00.000-07:00

Hmm... too much to report on. It doesn't help that blogger is rather touchy and only let's me log in when it's in the mood.

Here is a thought I mull over often. I am 28 years old. I just got I.D. at the liquor mart, "YES!" but besides that... I've been married for almost ten years. (shute I hope that's right) And here is the thing...

I have never seen or visited half the places that I ever hope to or imagine and chances are I never will. Not Mexico, Paris, nor Africa. I can not afford a new car but then again you probably can't either. I limit myself to going out once to twice a week and as a result I have only a handful of what I can call good friends. I fix lunch, and supper, do the laundry, take the trash out, feed the dog, pay the bills, mow the kids, bath the lawn, err... right. You get the picture. Drive husband here, drive children there, "Could you please do something with your hair?" says my 14 year old. Hair. Kids. Kids and hair. I have one, two, three, four, five, plus one ridiculously charming kids. Who knew it would be my unborn ones that would cause me the most stress? And did I mention homeschooling?

And so here is what I wish. But please, let's keep this between you and me. Classified information. I wish... if I believed in wishes that is... I wish I had not married when I did.

There.

I said it.

This is where your pat yourself on the back and say,

"See, I knew it! I was right all along!"

Well hold yer horses cowboys!

While we're at the wishing well let's stick to out true Canadians heritage and redeem our buy-on-get-one-free coupon.

Wish number two.

I wish I had met my husband earlier. I wish we'd tied the not the day we met. I wish my lips had never touched anothers. I'm 28 years old, I've been married for almost ten years, and all in all, I just wish we had more time. More time, more kids, more bills to pay. More swings and strollers, sleepless nights, more of all the things that make our lives.

Now if you don't know me, and I don't know you here is a much needed disclaimer. There is nothing perfect about our relationship. If anything it is perfectly imperfect. Our only saving grace? Forgiveness. For-give-ness that's FOR giving and not for with holding. A much needed sense of humor and did I mention forgiveness?

I'm a people watcher at heart, an observer, and as a young adolescent I noted that yes, indeed... all the good ones were taken. Like my youth pastor for example. I confess publicly for the first time ever, (and by God I hope he never lays eyes on this), but me and just about ever other girl were crushing on him big time.

Over the years I have learned this. And as cliche as it sounds, it it's nerveless every bit true. As important as it is to find the right person, it's all the more important to be the right person and that my friend, is a never ending battle for our demons will always come to haunt us. We are continually a work in progress.

Time to sign off and make more memories with my best friend. My one and only (enough with the CHEESE!!!). Next to the Lord, without him none of this would be possible and what a sad and pathetic excuse for a life that would be.

2009-08-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

Nothing to report of. Staying away from the scale till things settle down here.

2009-08-09T23:00:00.000-07:00

Back to 145.6 and was totally expecting it. I was kinda off track today too, but I went for a midnight stroll with my Hun and H to try and rectify it. No injuries this time around thank God. Watched Hitch today with the fam and even though we had all seen it before we laughed our pants off. Good times. Good times. While watching the movie, because a Mom never does just one thing at a time, I baked Rhubarb Muffins. We went out of town yesterday, returning home with a bountiful of goods from the garden one of which was Rhubarb. Tomorrow I shall make jam! If I have time that is....

Tomorrow is an exciting and scary day all at once. We finally meet with the Doc in regards to C. I'm not sure if I'll be able to sleep tonight. I am also faced with the task of packing for my little two night getaway with the girls, not my girls that is, just some random girls from church. Well mostly random but not. But really, what's there to pack? Even if I go with no more then the very clothes on my back I will still feel like I over packed.

2009-08-08T21:31:00.000-07:00

144.6 and that's even after a sushi snack the night before! But I potentially ruined it already with a breakfast at The Pancake house and a few bites of chips n' salsa this evening. But I ain't too worried about it.

2009-08-06T08:41:00.001-07:00

Thursday, August 6th, 145.8

2009-08-05T22:07:00.000-07:00

I cannot help but wonder, is there such a thing as too much dreaming? A cap of some sort? Maybe like a salary cap or something like when your at the airport and your limited to two carry on luggage per person. Or that red line on the coffee maker indicating the maximum amount.

Maybe per person, but not per life time, or so I think anyway. See I find, interestingly enough that once you fulfill a dream, it makes room for another. It's kind of like a production line of sort. One comes off, another one comes on. Always moving, always cycling through.

Or maybe it's just me and my unquenchable thirst for more. Is that a bad thing? I suppose it could be but mostly I think not. I think it's human nature. Just how we're made. Always looking past the horizon, always on a quest for more. The trick is remaining grateful for what you do have. To not be consumed. To not allow our wants to morph and disguise themselves as needs. To not loose sight of the true necessities in life.

I've been so blessed with this new job. To have the opportunity to do what I truly love and get paid for it! Wow, it's been amazing ever step of the way! And so I was completely taken a back when a new... no, not a new but an old dream, a very old dream actually... a dream yet to have been fulfilled, crept back into my mind and heart.

2009-08-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, August 5th. 145.6

After all that popcorn and pop I was kinda expecting that. It so wasn't worth it! Felt ill afterwords! But on the other hand had a GREAT time with H. We found a stunning white dress for her for our family pictures.

2009-08-04T08:10:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, August 4th,144.8
Target weight: 130
14.8 more pounds to go.
Spending some time with H, going to the movies, have to take the popcorn into account. Cannot say no to crazy butter popcorn.

2009-08-03T17:18:00.000-07:00

Monday, August 3rd. Was sick this morning. Weighed in at 145.2.

2009-07-31T13:42:00.000-07:00

Tuesday, July 31st, 146.2 pounds.

2009-07-30T23:00:00.000-07:00

Tuesday July 30. Weighing in at 147.8 pounds.

Not so long ago, in the not too distant past, I was afraid of dying. Not of what lay ahead, and beyond this life, for I believe my future is secure, but just the actual act of dying. Maybe of growing old too... I didn't think I would be ready no matter when the time came. Not at fifty, sixty, not even if I had managed to live to the ripe old age of one hundred. But lately, I seem to have had a change of heart and mind. I can easily see me saying, "I am tired now." and closing my eyes for one last time, to breath no more.

Tomorrow I get the pleasure of spending some time with an older gentleman who's lived life to it's abundance and has a story to tell no matter what the topic. I appreciate his position in life. Having been there, done that, it allows one to look at life from a different perspective, one I wish I could more often glance there from.

Funny thing, this relationship we have. Just in it's infant stages we jump through much the same hoops and perform the same dance as young lovers do.

"I had a really nice time yesterday."
"I hope we can do this again sometime."
"Yes me too, I'll call you."

Just yesterday Conrad asked if maybe I would see him on Monday it being a holiday and all. Without much a thought I said, "No, his wife will be home." A moments silence followed by some laughter. It's not how it sounds.

I dreamt some crazy dreams last night. Bitter sweet. Woke up with a heavy heart and oh so badly wanted to tell you about her but didn't.

The campers next door, they had a dog. Correction, they have a dog. Her name is Khali. I, completely unaware, unprepared, sideswiped. Sharp pangs of pain through my heart, knocking me to the ground. Focus. Maintain composure. Breath. This too will pass.

It's after 1 am now. I should go to sleep. Another day, another dollar. Needing sun...

2009-07-19T22:59:00.000-07:00

I really ought to be in bed. Funny thing is I have to be in court tomorrow... or later today depending on how you look at it. Conrad is taking his mother in for surgery first thing in the morning and my M. is heading out to Manhattan beach with a dear friend and then the two of them are meeting up with a certain boy.

I tell you, no matter how well a parent thinks they are prepared for that milestone... It still knocks you down. And maybe that's the way it ought to be... She's such a fantastic girl. I know it, her Dad knows and all I have to say is this boy better darn well know it! Truth be told, from where I can stand he's a pretty good kid himself but I'm really starting to think that this family-dating-thing/idea is not so far fetched after all. He needs to be scrutinized at a much closer level to pass this radar!

It is inevitable, undeniable, my baby it growing up. I so, so, SOOOOO badly wish I could be there and see her/them. Not like in a sick and twisted kind of way but much in the same way you watch your little one take their first step, beaming and full of pride, or when they take off on their brand new two wheeler. I just wanna see her take off, wind in her hair... oh man I think I'm gonna cry. Moving along...

My H. has done soooo much growing in these last two years herself. It's really quite a remarkable age in the life of a teenage girl. Not only is she stunning on the exterior but she is also developing quite the internal powerhouse. It's like the day after that rainstorm, all in one single night... The bear trees are finally budding, the grass has shot up at least an inch and the colors are saturated to their fullest. Everything just "pops" to the eye.

With the loss of our child, Conrad and I have suffered much... Today at church I overheard as one man was passing along his card to another. Reading the title out loud he explained the origins of the name of his company. The actual name escapes me, the origins never will. He named it after the three children his sister miscarried. No matter how much I skilfully avoid, be it baby showers, pregnant friends etc. it still creeps up and makes me want to hide away in a cave, never to show my face again.

But it would be a lie if I did not say that we have been equally, more so, and abundantly been blessed by this "quiver" of ours. My cup overflows. They all, each and every one of them, bring joy without measure and I AM BLESSED.

2009-07-06T00:42:00.000-07:00

Alright so I'm still on this whole "missing" shit (pardon the language but that's exactly what it is) and really it could all just take a hike as far as I'm concerned. Each and every part of it cuz I've had enough. Really how many time can I be saved by grace? How many times can I slip under the radar?

2009-06-25T21:42:00.000-07:00

I miss my Khali more and more these days. Maybe it's hormonal. Maybe it's circumstantial. But it is and it sucks. Lately I can't seem to get a grip...

I am bumper-sticker-me-certain that I must have hit some kind of a teleporting vortex. Never, not even in my high school days have I come across so much immaturity, ignorance, unintelligent and shallowness all at once! Make me wanna barf...

Why oh why must we make things so complex? Why does money and greed and pride constantly override humility and selflessness? Why do we let it?

I somehow miss you. Regrettably. Undesirably.
It is likely I will miss you, once the pain subsides.
I even miss you, my love, my darling.

2009-06-15T19:01:00.000-07:00

I'm at an all time low right now.
What exactly was it that made me this way I don't know.
Maybe I'm just manic.
Yet that's so trendy these days.
EVERYONE'S manic and their Grandma's Grandma too.

Honestly, what tipped it off today?
Was it the heat and my unaccustomed body?
Or maybe just my overweight body.
It started off like crap but I wasn't going to let that ruin the entire day.

Today marks a first.
The first time my son told me he was running away.
I've heard it before, just not from him.
Lately I just really don't like him.
Honestly.
It makes me cry.

Next to everything that comes out of that boys mouth is just nonsense! Do I leave him in his delusional world? It's so exhaustive to continually bring him back to reality and it inevitably puts us at odds day in and day out. I'm so tired. I don't want a computer that "buffers" and "pulls up files" scanning peoples profiles, separating the good guys from the bad guys. I don't want a truck backing up with all it's sounds. I don't want pretend lights flashing in my face. I don't want to have to tell him to walk flat on his feet only to have him unnecessarily injure himself a minute later because he already forgot, third time today. I don't want to try and muster up some sympathy. I have none left. I am all out. I don't want the fabricated weather forecasts, with all the doom and gloom of judgment day. I don't want my son to thrive off of tragedy.

I just want my son.
Has anyone seen him?

There Is Nothing

2009-06-14T22:22:00.000-07:00

There is seasons. There is fall, there is winter, and spring and summer too.
Some seasons are long and some are just too short.
There is seasons in our family, maybe there is in yours too.
Some seasons are great and you wish them to last on and on and on.
Some are sorrowful. You weep. Sometimes even at their hands.
But in the end, there truly is nothing quite as remarkable as family.

Sometimes we grow apart.
Not overnight but through time.
Or through a simple act.
A lie, a careless word tossed here and there.

Sometimes your daughter goes to school,
and is the only one to raise her hand,
when asked about their special family time.
Sometimes your life is greeted with a special guest.
And again we realize that we are blessed.
We sit a little closer, laugh a little longer. We linger.
And today we are stronger.

There truly is nothing...

Happy Mother's Day

2009-06-10T23:17:00.000-07:00

Slightly delayed response on who's part I do not know, but after two and a half long weeks of waiting I finally got my lab results back. It turned out I had collected and brought in everything BUT my baby. Which left only one other possibility. I flushed my own child down the toilet. As somber of an end as any.

From time to time I think this.

I think that my child died a tragic death at my own hands in more ways then one. I think it did not have to be so. Had I not denied myself food all in the name of a slimmer waist line, had I worked out only once, not twice that day, had I gotten more sleep and less stress. Less drink, more milk. Had I KNOW there was a precious and fragile baby growing inside of me... I would have done things differently. I would have been more careful and maybe... just maybe we would not be where we are today.

2009-05-18T23:22:00.001-07:00

False alarm, hcg levels 25 and dropping.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a season for "everything." Time to say goodbye to the old and hello to the new.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I wonder when and why the word "sheltered" took on a negative connotation. I am sad...

Doctor's Orders

2009-05-14T22:12:00.002-07:00

Monday I went in for a routine blood test/pregnancy test that the OB requires as part of the whole post miscarriage medi care. Just that alone was a whole ordeal in and of itself of which voluntarily giving up my blood was the least of them all.

Apparently I'm hard to get a hold of or so the receptionist says. I guess that's not news to me but this little tid bit of information she offered to me most definitely was.

I'm pregnant? Sat what? Now I'm tempted to ask, "How did this happen?" but I won't cuz I know what you will say and that's not exactly what I'm looking for.

So back to the lab for me... See although the test results indicate a pregnancy I've been around enough to know that if you break that info down all it means is that my hcg levels are higher then 15. A non pregnant woman registers between 0-15. Today's test will clarify exactly how much higher. I figure if we are indeed talking about a pregnancy I should be looking at somewhere in the ten to thirty thousand ball park figure. Anything lower then that and it's likely just left over from the first pregnancy but I have no medical knowledge behind that theory, it's just a guess, I didn't get around to asking.

On one hand it's great to have friends in med school on the other hand not so much... The third and most likely possibility if you ask me (just a feeling) is that I have chromo-something-the-rather which I can not even remember, pronounce, let alone spell. I'm pretty sure it uses every letter in the English alphabet and then some. It took me about five times of switching back and forth between the chat box and the search engine before I finally had it down. Even after having briefly looked it up I still don't know what the heck it is but I guess if it is the case I will soon be an expert on the subject. After scaring the living day lights out of me, my dear friend from med school ends our conversation by saying something like this:

"Oh but don't worry too much, it's totally curable with chemo therapy."

Now I'm not certain but I'm guessing she had said that in a effort to bring comfort to me... I hope they teach these med students some bed side manners. She's great and all, and I'm actually thankful to have heard it from her and to be able to prepare myself for the worst instead of coming in with high hopes only to receive such a blow. But chemo?

Docyot

2009-05-14T22:12:00.001-07:00

Happy Mother's Day

2009-05-10T21:21:00.001-07:00

Slightly delayed response on who's part I do not know, but after two and a half long weeks of waiting I finally got my lab results back. It turned out I had collected and brought in everything BUT my baby. Which left only one other possibility. I flushed my own child down the toilet. As bleak of an end as any.

From time to time I think this.

I think that my child died a tragic death at my own hands in more ways then one. I think it did not have to be so. Had I not denied myself food all in the name of a slimmer waist line. Had I worked out only once, not twice that day. Had I gotten more sleep and less stress. Less drink, more milk. Had I KNOWN there was a precious and fragile baby growing inside of me... I would have done things differently. I would have been more careful and maybe... just maybe we would not be where we are today.

Most days I do not let it torture me so. Other times it, unlike my little one, has a life of it's own.

2009-04-16T07:18:00.000-07:00

Two of my kids are at school, the other three plus one niece are playing down stairs with the second niece still in bed. My baby is in the bathroom on the floor. I don't feel so well... my body is trembling, maybe it's due to all the blood loss, maybe just the trauma of it all. I think I'm going to throw up. I really just don't know what to do...

2009-04-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

It seemed rather unreal that after what was almost ten years we had finally conceived. For the most part and admittedly only because I had no other choice I was forced to come to grips with the very likely possibility that we ourselves would never get to experience this joy.

After investing a significant amount of money into the home pregancy test fund during our first few years of trying I had committed myself to never purchasing one again. I would have to just get plain fat and that would have to be my signal. So please understand that when a few weeks back I HAD actually picked one up it was more of an effort to eliminate pregnancy as a possibility not with any high hopes of it actually coming to be.

See, I had been feeling funny. Not that "funny" is such a articulate word but really, that's all I've got. With the urging of a friend I had made an appointment for myself with a OB. She was concerned. I wasn't... that is until she started telling my about her experience with ovarian cancer.

So, imagine my complete shock and disbelief when a silly little plus sign appeared that faithful day. I only checked, double checked and triple checked a gazillion and one times.

Just the other night I had a dream that my husband had put in an offer on this lovely boat house of a mansion. Really, it had been more then my little heart could ever desire and I was bitterly disappointed at the sound of the alarm. Sitting in the bathroom, at my brothers house of all places, I was positive that at any point in time this too would be a dream I would be rudely forced to wake from.

Like I had said at the beginning, having waited nine years for this I'm sure you can imagine the degree of our excitement. Did I know that this was potentially only the beginning of what was to be a rough road ahead? Absolutely. But all reason and caution was quickly tossed aside. We wasted no time in telling the world. I imagined myself journaling and keeping a close account with the passing of each day and week.

In a matter of days our dream quickly turned into a nightmare. Even then I still contemplated sharing my experience here on blogger but it just proved to be too much for me to handle. Two weeks later it seems more of the opposite is true. If I do not give voice to this journey that I am on I may as well say goodbye to my sanity. I do not know yet how this will end. Will I have the boldness to be so vulnerable as to hit the "publish post" button... or will I settle with "save now". I imagine it will vary from day to day. The story may be disorderly, but it's primary purpose is for my own healing.

25 Random Things

2009-02-19T20:49:00.000-08:00

I love to sleep almost as much as I love to eat.

When hungry I can be extremely cranky. My family can and will testify to this.

I married at 18, and although I am full of regrets that is not one of them.

I am certain pf two things. I married the best man in the universe and he got the short end of the deal.

When I grow up, I wanna be just like my 6 year old son who for the most part is so darn well rounded it blows my mind!

My number one pet peeve is when people put the toilet paper on backwards!

After delivering a hard teaching Jesus asked his disciples, "Do you want to go away as well?" Simon Peter answered, "Lord where else would we go?"

I could talk to you about my whole hearted devotion and enthusiasm for the Lord but that's just not the case. Most of the time all I have in me are Simon Peter's words. 'Lord where else would I go?” I stray time and time again only to find myself a this feet in humble repentance and in need of forgiveness, never to be turned away empty handed.

I love to hear my daughter rock out on the drums at home.

I am as technologically challenged as they come.

I have five amazing children and would really, really, really love just ONE more.

I am in desperate need of unconditional love, yet hardly ever capable of giving it.

Brake. Turn. Signal. AHHHH!!!!! It's signal, brake, then turn!(#2 pet peeve)

I am a night owl.

I am just beginning to discover my love for photography.

Most of the time I feel I am on the outside looking in.

My dream is to one day rob a bank, with my Mom as my accomplice. Of course I never will but...

I hate over saved people. Ok maybe not HATE but seriously despise them equally as much as I despise the bench warmers who excuse themselves from the game all in the name of not wanting to be "hypocritical".

I vowed to never home school. I am now homeschooling my three youngest children and loving it... most days. :)

I am almost at a place where I can say I am content at being discontent.

I think coffee flavored gum is the dumbest thing ever.

I hate watching movies twice. It is a waste of my time and there is plenty more enjoyable things to do with it if I really want to squander it away... things like..

ROCK BAND! Guitar Hero. I really don't care. I'm not a picky girl.

Some people say I am a pessimist. I like to take a more optimistic view on it and call myself a realist.

I am of the opinion that those who swear excessively have excessively low I.Q.'s.

I am saddened how the “convenience” of technology has isolated us human beings to the point where we eagerly jump at the opportunity to write 25 random things and the like about ourselves in order to feel that someone is listening.

2009-02-13T20:23:00.000-08:00

Lately I have come to the realization that God is bigger then I ever knew or thought him to be. I find this somewhat stifling and extremely comforting all at the same time. Finally I let go of some of the things I have been unknowingly clutching to in fear that I may drop.

January 12th/2009 11:23 P.M. "Forever Roused"

2009-02-07T21:35:00.000-08:00

I have not told a single soul, but I almost died last night.
The hows and whereabouts are of no significance.
Just those I nearly left behind.

My Wonder Drug (2:30A.M.)

2009-01-24T00:09:00.000-08:00

Just like a Pill

I'm lyin' here on the floor where you left me
I think I took too much
I'm crying here, what have you done?
I thought it would be fun

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cuz its making me
itch
I said I tried to call the nurse again but shes
being a little bitch,
I think I'll get outta here, where I can

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Instead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me
ill
You keep makin' me ill

This song completely rocks!

2 A.M.

2009-01-24T00:02:00.000-08:00

Funhouse

I dance around this empty house
Tear us down, throw you out
Screaming down the halls
Spinning all around and now we fall

Pictures framing up the past
Your taunting smirk behind the glass
This museum full of ash
Once a tickle, now a rash

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

Echoes knocking on locked doors
All the laughter from before
I'd rather live out on the street
Than in this haunted memory

I've called the movers, called the maids
We'll try to exorcise this place
Drag my mattress to the yard
Crumble, tumble house of cards

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, fun

I'm crawling through the doggy door
My key don't fit my life no more
I'll change the drapes, I'll break the plates
I'll find a new place, burn this fucker down

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
Do, do, do, do, da, da, da, da

Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(9, 8)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(7, 6)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(5, 4, 3)
Do, do, do, do, do, do, do
(2, 1)

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down

This used to be a Funhouse
But now it's full of evil clowns
It's time to start the countdown
I'm gonna burn it down, down, down
I'm gonna burn it down

Where Do Dead DVD Players Go?

2009-01-23T22:58:00.000-08:00

It's just about 1 A.M.and the thought of going to bed, on a night like tonight, troubles me. It's going to be one long day tomorrow. I just hope I can get through it without biting anyone head off but between trying to ration my calorie intake and sleep deprivation, I duno. It's not looking promising.

This is the last time I'm gonna talk about this but here it goes.

The other day, a week ago today to be exact I had a friend over cuz I'm tired of spending my Friday nights home alone. Not that S is chop liver. We always have a blast and I try not to think about the fact that our little date nights are going to come to an end next September. But bedtime is round 8ish which leaves... that leaves the rest of the night is what it leaves.

Anyways... rented a movie... "The Traveler" if I recall correctly... About half way through the movie the rest of the little people come home so I go to hit the pause button to tuck them into bed. I get a serious shock when I come in contact with it and I FRIED the DVD player! KFC style! It goes all wonko, half paused but still kinda playing slow mo and all messed up. Pushing stop is useless, as is the play button. I can't even turn the bloody thing off so I had to resort to pulling the plug on it. Now it still works, don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete freak. It's just rather selective now about whether or not it's going to open when instructed.

So yeah... that's that.

I have more, so much more... that I need to get off my "vest" as my little girl called it today.

Totally loving the song "Sober" by Pink and even with the volume cranked on max on my little computer speakers here, I simply can not get it loud enough to satisfy.

To satisfy: to fulfill the desires, expectations, needs, or demands of (a person, the mind, etc.); to give full contentment to.

I'm extremely tired now so forgive me if this stuff didn't make too much sense...

Duhhh!!!!!!!!

2009-01-16T21:33:00.000-08:00

I once heard that we as human beings are the only "species" who when in search of healing return to the place where the wound originally occurred.

That's awfully stupid of us...

YOUR OK

2009-01-07T21:20:00.000-08:00

So I don't think I reached my goal of 1.something posts a day or whatever it was. I actually don't think I came anywhere near that but such if life. It throws curve balls when it feels like it... without much a warning.

I was driving home this evening and I pulled up behind some car... don't know what kind of car cuz I'm a girl and I couldn't care less but it was blue... I know that much. And it had a rockin license plate. I'm usually not a fan of them cheezmo plates, the ones that say things like 4MYLOVE, FFFFFFF or ZOOMR... but this one for some reason made me smile and then laugh.. not like a LOL laugh but a silent inner laugh.

It said: YOUR-OK

I don't know why I laughed but I did and I really needed it...

Since we're on the topic of my drive home. I used to think it strange that when ever I drove or went for a walk at night, street lamps would just spontaneously turn off... like repeatedly, I don't mean once or twice, they would turn off, only to turn back on as I continued on. I decided to forget about it... and then there is a night like tonight.

Mind you it is a long ride going from west side to south side but never less, not one, not two, not three, not four lights, but FIVE stinken lights go out right over my head! FIVE LIGHTS!

There is me, trying to remain composed... thinking to myself:

"There is nothing out of the ordinary happening here... but if one more light goes then that's it!"

Not exactly sure what that "it" would be but whatever... and of course even if it had which it didn't I would have said ok, a seventh one and then that's it!

But no, there was no sixth lamp that died in my presence. But here is what did happen.

I pull up behind another vehicle who stops at the traffic light right by my bank there. He turn's right... I do another take of the light situation to see if it has changed... and...

What lights?
There all out!
Nothing! Nada!

I shake my head in disbelief, take a right turn and drive away..
I looked back and would it surprise you to hear that they were all back on as if nothing had ever occurred?

MARRY CHRISTMAS!

2008-12-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

Urgg... the words are not coming out right...

Brother, I wish you were here. It's really not quite the same without you around.
I am resisting the temptation to be mad at you. :)

HAHA!!!!!!! I'm just overhearing my little girl giving her Uncle a lecture about smoking! Right on!

The other day I told someone that I did not like Christmas. After having just gone through the whole Christmas morning routine I'm realizing that that is not entirely true. I think my dislike for Christmas directly coincided with the time I moved out of my Mama's house.

For the first year it was just Conrad and myself. Of course we visited with the family etc. but there was no little ones around. And although I don't remember much of it because I'm getting along in the years here and my memory is not quite as sharp as it once was.... oh wait, I forgot (case in point), my memory never was all that sharp to being with... anyways... back to the original topic.

First Christmas, Conrad and me... no kids. I figure it HAD to have been pretty darn dull.... orrr... maybe not. Now that I think about it I do remember being excited with all them first "first" together. You know, your first Christmas tree together.. and then there was..... the Christmas tree.. OK so that's the only thing I can think of right now but I'm sure there was more. :)

I know a lot of people have a difficult time with this Christmas season. They find themselves alone, they miss their loved ones, they are reminded of the bleak financial state they are in etc etc. I can understand and even sympathize with all that but I felt RIPPED OFF! Honestly there isn't any two better words to have described how I felt at the time. That's an odd thing to feel don't you think? Like as if somebody owed me something and never followed through. What is up with that?

So ever Christmas the anticipation would build, the day would come and go and the disappointment faithfully followed. I remember saying one year to Conrad, "This is it? This is what all the weeks of planning and preparing was for and it's over just like that?"

I think what they would refer to as "The magic of Christmas" had left me.

I think I grew up.

And now I think that having five kids crowd your bed first thing in the morning as they excitedly dump the contents of their stockings is pretty darn cool... maybe even cooler then what I had back in the day.

Originally I was going to tell my oldest that this was her last year getting a stocking. After all, she's sixteen, has her own cash flow and if she wants/needs something she goes and gets it. But I think I'm changing my mind. I think she'll get one till the day she moves out... or maybe till the day she has her own kids and can watch them open theirs.

I was just bugging my peanut because she disappeared into her room with a new book and hadn't peaked out her head since and here I am being every bit as anti social myself... gotta go.

2008-12-24T22:43:00.001-08:00

I wrote this poem minus the last line a few days ago. I was really itching to post it but I knew it wasn't finished. No matter how hard I tried to wrap it up it just wasn't happening.

Today, slightly less distracted and with more clarity of mind I was finally able to come up with what I think is the perfect ending. Surprisingly it came with ease... but I guess that's just how it goes. It's almost as if it has a will of it's own and all one can hope to do is channel it to the best of ones ability.

It Rained Last Night

2008-12-24T09:19:00.000-08:00

You've left him time and time again,
alone and standing in the rain,
each time he died a death or two,
and now there's nothing left in him for you.

So this time it's gonna be the other way around,
cuz see, she's done the crying now.
She won't need the shelter from the rain,
No it's never gonna be the same again.

I've found my way a million times before,
through these mazes and these corridors.
This beaten path, has lead me home...
to where I was and where I belong.

I braved the weather...

2008-12-23T18:16:00.001-08:00

All I want for Christmas...

2008-12-19T12:28:00.000-08:00

oh... wait... I mean... all I want for my birthday is...

Number one on the list is...

A large chunk of uninterrupted time for shooting and writing
agreeable conditions to do it under (nice weather, no guilt trips for bailing on family etc)
and simultaneous creativity to accomplish it with.

Is that too much to ask for?

Oh and then there is always a new lens, and last but not least on my list is your typical girl stuff. You know... clothes, jewelery, shoes etc.

But darn a new lens would be good...

TAKE 2

2008-12-15T21:17:00.003-08:00

"Bet you can't eat just one!" It's an old Lay's Chip slogan but it just as easily could have been Satan's famous one liner when he tempted Eve with the fruit of the forbidden tree.

Ohhh.... will have to try it again some other time... just not with it right now.

And they lived happily ever after!

2008-12-01T19:58:00.000-08:00

At one time or another both my boys were/are adamant about marrying me which of course I take as the highest form of flattery and of course I tell them that I already married Daddy and so I can't marry them. Just the other day S. being the math master mind and ingenious child that he is came up with a plan. This is how our conversation went.

"I'm gonna marry you Mommy."
"S. we talked about this already, Mommy can't marry you. I already married Daddy."
"And we don't unmarry right Mom?"
"Right" I respond.
"But Mom," he follows,"Dad is older then you right?"
"Right" again I say, as always. It is at that precise moment I realize what his little brain is collaborating.
"So when Dad dies you'll still be alive and then I can marry you!"

What's a girl to say?

Bet You Can't Eat Just One

2008-11-26T14:50:00.000-08:00

It's an old Lay's Chip slogan but it just as easily could have been Satan's famous one liner when he tempted Eve with the fruit of the forbidden tree.

I must admit, that tree has always bothered me. Not so much that it existed... (although that's annoying in and of itself) but WHERE it existed. By the gates on your way in? In the back corner? Down by some secret stream?

Nope.

It was right smack down in the middle of the garden.

Undoubtedly Eve passed it every morning as she gathered breakfast for her and hubby. Would she have taken cover in it's shade from the hot summer sun? Maybe it was Adams peeing corner! We'll never really know but my point is that it was right in the middle of the hustle and bustle of ever day life. Much as they may have liked to, it just couldn't have been avoided.

Now there is some people I know, (and maybe... ok no maybes about it, I was guilty of this myself at some point), who if they could have, would not hesitate for a split second to bring in a whole crew of workmen, hard hats and all. Maybe some steam rollers or whatever other big heavy machinery deemed necessary and removed the whole darn thing altogether, roots and all.

Maybe... a that's a BIG maybe.... they would replant it somewhere else in some dark corner of the garden. A corner nobody ever thinks about and certainly never set foot in.

In need of an interior decorator? Look elsewhere because quite obviously God lacked in his ability to coordinate a functional living space.

Or did he? Did God really lack that kind of foresight or did he intend on that silly old tree being so darn unavoidable? I have a deep suspicion that moving it would have somehow defied the tree of it's very purpose. It was where it was, and it was there so by design.

Now what this means for you and me is another long story... a life time of a story to be exact.

(I've never added in image from the web before, and I didn't want it THAT big, but ironically it seems rather fitting to the story.)

And really, I was going somewhere with this chip thing but got a little side tracked. Darn tree. ALWAYS in the way! Oh well... next post.

2008-11-24T22:25:00.000-08:00

Price to fix the heating: 450$
Price to fix the fan: 750$
Price of a silly grafting calculator your child apparently needs for school(????): 150$

Nuff said on that... it's all good.

When I was a little girl I always thought it would just be the coolest thing to go on one of those boat cruises where you get to sit by the poolside, a drink in hand with one of them cute colorful little umbrellas, sporting some over sized hat and of course some glam shades. Sad thing is I get sea sick from having a bath. How pathetic is that? Really, sea sick from a bath? Who's ever heard of that before?

I spent five hours in a mall today with my three musketeers. FIVE HOURS! I'm convinced this was somehow a part of Conrad's cunning plan all along.

I mention the possibility of us doing some Christmas/birthday shopping at the mall while we wait on Arny(the Van)and he says:

"Sure honey, I think that would be a great idea."

And although he absolutely hates shopping and refers to the mall as "the evil place" he NEVER let's me do the Christmas shopping without him. That right there should have been my first clue.

I swear I don't want to set foot in another mall for quite a long time...

2008-11-23T16:31:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm still trying to make some adjustments here. I wanted to change the way the archived posts are displayed and instead have altogether deleted that option. I've been at it for some time now and can't seem to figure it out which is mind boggling because really... it's pretty darn basic as far as finding your way round this place.
Any takers?

2008-11-23T16:07:00.001-08:00

I'm really not liking these blogger templates they offer but I'm sick and tired of looking at the same old thing. Can't they come up with something new?

Oh and by the way, for those of you who I have not told directly, I did NOT make the cut for the gallery which put me in a notoriously bad mood for the entire day. But on the bright side I did get a summer job working for Sabine Chorley. Once again, I can;t believe that someone is actually willing to pay me for doing what I love best!

Burr it's cold inside!

2008-11-23T15:14:00.001-08:00

Lovely temperatures outdoors but not so in my house. I figure it's probably less then ten degrees here. We went out and purchased another little heater, got the fire place going, and turned on the oven, all in an effort to make this place more livable.

I convinced Conrad to take us out for lunch and then a movie but this joint couldn't be avoided all together. At least this time around it's not thirty bellow like it was last time. It was so cold you could see your breath as you exhaled! I just hope it will all be back in working order Tuesday the latest.

On top of that I have to take then van in to the shop tomorrow! Urgg!!

I just hope we all make it through the next couple of days with out killing each other.

2008-11-18T20:30:00.000-08:00

Ok here I go again. Thought I'd post them before I find out that I didn't make the cut because what would be the point....

Questions/comments welcome.

2008-11-17T21:26:00.000-08:00

Well I'm back now that the hair dye is out of my hair and no longer threatening me with premature baldness... although I must admit I've secretly thought it be cool to shave my head bold.... for a good cause of some sort or another of course. :)

I thought I would try loading them pics again.

How darn annoying... not gonna do it.

Oh well another time! Gnight!

Oh and I'm eating...

2008-11-17T20:55:00.000-08:00

I am absolutely famished right now but I am trying to tell myself that I do not need to eat any more tonight. I'm sure it won't be long before I give in...

You know your a horrible speller when you type the word "dictionary" into the search engine and the first thing that pops up is...

Did you mean: dictionary?

lol Oh well... :)

In case your interested.
Here is the two entries I submitted for the gallery....hmm... not letting me do it right now. :(

try again..

nope...

I should find out tomorrow if I made it in or not. At the beginning it looked promising. There was only fifty photos entered so my odds weren't too bad. lol Last time I checked there was 177 which is a slightly higher number. But here is the thing... and Conrad couldn't follow my way of thinkng so I won't be offended if you don't either... 177 photos in total, BUT submitted by 66 people because each individual is allowed up to three photos. Allowed 3 photos each but only 1 photo per person is allowed to be showcase in the gallery. So technically speaking, even though there is 177 photos of which to chose from, it's really only like say... 60-70 if you assume that each person submitted at least 2 images because automatically the remaining images of those who are making it in drop off the radar. (which is what I did, I couldn't really come up with a third one) Do you get what I am saying? Or am I just way of on my analyzing...

Gotta go... I'll try and post those pics at another time.

#29

2008-11-13T21:44:00.000-08:00

Blog post # 29.

Hmm... I'm slightly behind as far as amount of posts per year. Year 2007 was at 59. No matter how ambitious I can be I'm pretty sure I'm not going to achieve that for this year. But I think overall my posts are longer which counts for something... I think... Let's see.... 30 days has November... today being the 14th... that leaving 15 days in November... haha.. JJ. 16+31=47. So I have exactly 47 days to complete 30+1 entries...
hmm...
take a moment to thing about it...
Ok.
Let's do it.

I may find myself completely at a loss as far as what to write about, after all my life ain't all THAT exciting but we will see what will come of it. Who knows? It just may prove to challenge and stretch me in ways I may have never thought possible.

2008-11-04T10:00:00.000-08:00

My one ambition in life is to know and to be known. This is why I both love and hate people.

2008-11-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

I'm trying not to be too poo pooed about it but today they announced the winners of the contest and needless to say, I was not one of them. Not that I expected to. Hoped beyond all hope? Yes, absolutely. But realistically speaking there just was no way... So no lens, no tripod, not even a measly cleaning kit for me. Ahh...

All three winners were landscapes... which totally goes to figure. It's just so darn typical... I hate landscape.... well.. no, I don't. It's just that it's so not original. At least for the most part.

None of my shots were landscape... not that that's why I didn't win... it's just yet another thing racked up against me. One of the images (if not all three) were HDR which at this moment in time is way out of my league. The second was your typical post card scenery of the east cost or something of the sort and where am I gonna get that here in the Bronx? Lol And the third one... I guess wasn't all that memorable for me cuz I can't think of what it was. Oh well... there is always next time.

As a matter of fact they already announced another one. Not quite as prestigious, (not that this one was, but it was our BIGGEST contest ever with 50 people, 160 entries and six hundred dollas' worth of prizes.)

Shute, just dropped my gum onto the floor... hehe... ooops.

Anyways... it's for a spot in the Photo Central Gallery which sounds much more impressive then it actually is but neverless, it would be way cool. And I actually stand a better chance this time around seeing as there is more then three openings... Too bad I have zero inspiration left in me and less then two weeks time to come up with something... I guess there is always Toronto. I ought to come across something fresh there.

Woot woot!

2008-10-29T20:26:00.001-07:00

100th post! How cool is that? O.K. So maybe it's not that cool at all but whatever! (well I secretly do think it's cool so... yeah!)

How old are you? How old do you feel? I've had to smack my girls over the head once or twice before with a resounding "I am not THAT old!!!" ... oh wait... quickly do the math in my head... maybe I am THAT old. Ok so I'm ONLY 27.... well... almost 28... which I realize isn't that old at all... but that's darn close to thirty which we all know IS old! That is until the day you turn it. Isn't that how it works?

And where I was going with this is... (and no I have not hit my mid life crisis.) Where I was going was this... maybe you'll find the same thing true for yourself. I hardly ever feel my age. If I am at the ripe old age of twenty three let's just say, I'll feel twenty. If I'm twenty-five... I'll feel twenty-three or so... Presently I am twenty eight (rounding up) so accordingly I should feel twenty-five-ish...

Except that today I don't.
Except that this week has hit me like a tone of bricks...
Instead of feeling younger then I am I feel like I should be adding a year
to
every
passing
day
of
the
week.
Now I could go on tell you exactly why it is that I am feeling this way but you wouldn't understand... Trust me you wouldn't. Besides... you don't want to know such intimate details about me... how weird would THAT be? Haha...

It's actually not that bad, well.. It is, but it isn't. (See I TOLD you you wouldn't understand!) It IS bad but I really shouldn't be surprised... and I shouldn't give it half as much thought and heart, and time, and effort and... you get the picture... as I presently do. But like I said... I shouldn't be surprised.

Listening to Colbie Caillat right now on Iceberg radio. If you haven't come across the station yet you should check it out. There is something for everyone... (I think.) There is was too many stations for me to check them all! Adult Contemporary, New Hits Mix is one I've settled on for now and am loving... hmmm... maybe 95% of the stuff. It's not like it's a huge rotation of music but right now that's suiting me just fine. The stuff they do play I love so I don't mind hearing the same thing twice in two hours or whatever it may be... give me two weeks and I will vomit at the sound of it.

I recycle. Currently there is probably one blue bin sitting in my back lane, one in the back yard, and one in my kitchen, under the sink. There is seven of us so we go through a lot of stuff... We go through a lot despite the fact that teenagers do not retain such trivial information and repeatedly throw stuff into the garbage that rightfully belongs in the blue bin! (Inconveniently located half a foot to the left of the garbage. I'm harsh that way!)

Milk jugs, glass jars, tin cans, plastic bottles (gasp!) yogurt containers, newspapers, flyers... you name it, you will find it in there. That is except for one minor thing. Toilet paper rolls. I refuse to recycle toilet paper rolls! Why you ask? Well it's quite simple... let me lay it out for you. Two bathrooms in the house. One on each floor. Main floor bathroom... and ok, to be truthful maybe those will get recycled once in a blue moon, but as far as the ones from upstairs, no way, no how!

Conrad attempts, he's got a good heart and I... well I end up looking like some kind of anti-tree-hugging-bully as I repeatedly squash his feeble attempts... Literally that is. I squash them little rolls and chuck them straight into the garbage and no, I do not loose any sleep over it! Heathen I am, I know... it's just that if I don't they end up accumulating all over my bathroom! It's like an alien invasion! They propagate over night! Some on the back of the toilet, some on the window sill. (hmm... is that the right spelling?) Before I know it they are rolling around on the floor mocking me... I swear they mock me!

Sometimes Conrad...the good hearted man that he is... did I mention he's got a good hearted? Cuz he's got a good hearted.. he will take them as far as to the top of the stairs thinking he will take them down the next time he's heading that way. Well...you guessed it,he doesn't and when I come UP the stirs there they are! Right in my face! I can't get away from them!

So.. the point of my story here, is this... that if your watching me through my bathroom window you:

A)have BIG problems and are in serious need of professional help and...
B) you are under the wrongful assumption that I don't recycle. Because I recycle.

2008-10-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

I am so darn frustrated right now that I am at the point of tears! Either that or I'll rip my hair out! Maybe both.

And on a different note...

A quote that resonates within me...

I fully realize that I have not succeeded in answering all of your questions... Indeed, I feel I have not answered any of them completely. The answers I have found only serve to raise a whole new set of questions, which only lead to more problems, some of which we weren't even aware were problems. To sum it all up... In some ways I feel we are confused as ever, but I believe we are confused on a higher level, and about more important things.

- Unknown

I am

2008-10-12T12:37:00.000-07:00

Looking out the window,
Can you see me tonight?
Through the foggy morning,
and In the creeping night..

You take my breath away,
Wait... no, it's just me...
Inattentive to my need.
I am...
Preoccupied beyond belief.

I flounder,
and I've stumbled,
I've gotta keep my head down to the ground...
I've walked this way a thousand times,
and don't know my way out.

I am...
Preoccupied beyond belief.

2008-10-10T21:05:00.000-07:00

Meet my pooch Zoe.. or Zoolander as I affectionately call her...

Meet my pooch Zoe.. or Zoolander as I affectionately call her...

2008-09-29T20:56:00.000-07:00

Got to go out and shoot some more today... I've been wanting to catch the sunset for some time now. I should have been there earlier but what whatever. I can't complain.

2008-09-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

Looking back at that bridge shot... way too much noise... should have shot at lower ISO but not sure there would have been enough light to do that.

Sounding Board

2008-09-27T20:50:00.000-07:00

Feel free to skip over this... It's just me studying... :)

Exposure- how much light you allow to reach your camera sensor.

The amount of light that reaches the sensor(exposure) is the result of the interaction of three factors being, your ISO, aperture, and shutter speed.

ISO- International Standard Organization: A rating scale used to determine how sensitive a sensor is in reading light.

Depending on your camera, it can be anywhere between 50, 100, 200, 400, 800, 1600, 3200, or 6400. Each step represents a doubling of the sensors sensitivity to light.
With lower ISO being less sensitive, and higher ISO being more sensitive. With higher ISO the camera loses it's ability to record detail. Your photos will be less sharp and have more noise. Shoot at the lowest ISO possible!

Aperture- refers to the mechanism inside the lens which controls the amount of light which passes through the lens to the sensor when the shutter opens.

Snack attack... ok so I've been working on this for hours... and looking forward to some of my All Dressed chips after my hard work... well I go downstairs and grab the bag only to find it has been devoured with a few crumbs left in the bottom of the bag! Oh man... so much for snack attack...

Anyways.. back to work.

Aperture- most cameras range from f/2, f/2.8, f/4, f/5.6, f/8, f/11 and f/16. Each increment represents a halving or doubling of the amount of light that will pass through the lens to the sensor during the exposure. Contrary to ISO, the larger the f/stop number the less light will pass through the lens. Example: f/4 let's in more light then f/8.

Aperture effects the depth of field or DOF. The smaller the aperture setting, the less depth of field. If you want more of the image in focus use a higher number of f/stop. If you want a very shallow depth of field use a smaller number f/stop.

Shutter Speed- represents how long the cameras sensor is exposed to light, measured in seconds.

Rules of Thumb regarding Shutter Speed

To take sharp photos, your shutter speed must be equal to or more then the reciprocal of your focal length for non-moving objects. Example: if you are shooting at 55mm, your shutter speed must be at least 1/60. To freeze movement in your photos, you must be shooting at least at 1/500.

Are you getting all this?? I know I'm not... see I go over some of my pics and for instance there is one of these berries... here let me show you. Ahh I can't find it... Time to go to bed... anyways f/11 and super shallow depth of field so what the heck?

Ah whatever... I'll finish another night. Chances are you'll have to put up with me studying for a while.

Put me to sleep...

2008-09-26T23:11:00.000-07:00

I did something today that I haven't done in a LONG time. I watched two movies, back to back. First one, pretty woman... which wasn't as wholesome as I remembered it being... and then Penelope... which is a teeny bopper of a chick flick. Not half bad if I do say so myself...

It's past one and I should so be in bed! I just started getting back into somewhat of a regular sleeping habit since my cold and now it's all shot! I'll pay for this tomorrow big time... I went online just to check my messages and happened to drop in to chat and stayed for an hour! People made me so darn hyper! And that's why I'm here. I have no good book to read so this was the next best thing. I have no good pics to post so I'm feeling cheep...

Ahh... well let's see if I can pull something up..

It;s still in need of post processing... that's right brother! I said it! But it's likely going to be one of my entries for the contest.

Hmm... what else should I tell you.

My shallow breathing is not helping the creative juices flow here... people are stressing me out lately. I should have pre-anticipated that... wait a minute.. I DID pre-anticipate that! Well would you look at that...just not quite at this force. And maybe it's not even the people that are causing it...

Here I go again... being all random and stuff.. For a while now I have thought about renaming, revamping my blog. Just wasn't liking Chaotic Harmony anymore... besides.. it's not all that chaotic around here anymore. It's about time to throw another little person in here just to shake things up a little...

My girls were telling me about this gargantuan puzzle they have at youth.. that's where I would have spent my whole evening without a doubt. So yeah... Pieces of Me. That shall be the new name... bits and pieces... when I get around to it that is. Which may not be for a while...

Oh and on a different thought... I finally managed to get some oomph back in me to tackle this fraudulent french door again... have it mostly cleaned and ready to go. Man this better turn out right this time!

2008-09-23T20:21:00.000-07:00

This one is SO overshot as is but one almost has to have it in their portfolio.
Would have been better with a tripod, but one thing at a time...

Surprise!

2008-09-18T09:14:00.001-07:00

Ok so you know the story about my french doors, and you know how it was a surprise for Conrad and how I only managed to get half of it done before he got home. I'm thinking that may have been a good thing... Take a look at these....

This is a picture of the first door I did... before Conrad got home... you probably don't see much of the actual "frost" but I'm sure you'll see what my problem is...

This is the second door...

What the heck? Get my drift? Now I did everything the same way from how and with what I cleaned the doors right down to the product and application... So not happy to say the least! What the heck went wrong? Now I have to go and hunt the Rona guy down and.. well.. it won't be pretty. :) Imagine that was how the first door turned out! Conrad would have been so pleased! lol

Gottta feed the kids...

2008-09-14T18:53:00.000-07:00

Well it's Sunday night, Conrad is back home and despite of my fears the weekend went by without much if any trouble at all. It feels uncanny for me to be saying this but each and every one of them was rather well behaved. Friday night I drove my older girls to and from youth and in between that my three muskateers and I went to the Forks for some ice cream and took in some of the live entertainment.

Saturday morning I made french toast and we had a great breakfast together. I picked up some items at the grocery store and then C, L, S and I went to a little carnival in our hood. We only stayed an hour but it beat last year when they shut the place down just as we got to the ponies. L cried and cried that day... So it truly was a joy to see her proudly galloping along. Maybe I'll get around to posting some pics... Then took H to drums, did some errands for grandmas, and met up with Shivvy for supper at Dennys. Kids eat free on Saturdays... although you wouldn't know it seeing as my kids were the only ones in the whole joint. Anyways... came home, threw the kids in the bath, and got my house ready for entertaining. Had some friend over and that was that. Sunday morning we did church, came home, oh... and the most impressive part of the weekend! Not only did I run the show on my own all weekend long, I managed to tackle a home improvement project to surprise Conrad with when he got back!

See one crazy day our family had a water fight. What's crazy about that? Well not too much except that we had it in side the house and not outdoors. So our upstairs bathroom had a set of frosted double doors. Well... to make the long story short my "frosted" doors were no longer frosted. They just looked nasty after that day and it was rather annoying.. more for Conrad then me living in a house full of girls and lacking that privacy so I decided that I was gonna fix it while he was gone and so I did. Well sort of. I'm half done, gotta get another can from Rona tomorrow and gosh darn it, it looks good if I do say so myself! I only killed about half of my brain cells just from all the toxic fumes and all but whatever!!!

Then we went to see a movie... Kungfu Panda.. it wasn't excellent or anything but not bad. It certainly had it's moments and if you like Jackie Chan movies this is kinda like the cartoon version of it.

Ok, seriously my brain is still hurting so I gotta sign off... another time...

LOL

2008-09-05T21:54:00.001-07:00

Haha!!! That was so totally not right! Oh well...

Ahhh!!!!

2008-09-05T20:58:00.000-07:00

Ok, looking back at those previous pics, there really not all that great. We'll have to redo that.

I should post my new stuff of H and some of our Yurt weekend like promised. In a minute...

Here is a tip for parents of younger ones that I've discovered. If you keep the music loud enough it will satisfy their need for noise and hence significantly reduce the amount of bickering going on. I wish I had learned this earlier on...

Back to school... honestly... last year I was SO ready for my older girls, and Conrad for that matter to go back. Not that I didn't enjoy their presence (for the most part anyway) but you know what they say, too much of a good thing and... Anyways. I just needed life to go back to some kind of routine. This year I'm not so keen on it. I feel like I hardly get to see H and M and with all the kids only getting older it seems that Conrad and I have more and more of those days where we are little more then two ships passing in the night. My head hurts when I think of all the things that we will be picking up again... house group starting tomorrow, GEMS for L, Squad 1.5 for S, Youth for M and H, hockey for Dad, hockey for S, Ladies group, drum lessons... AHHAHHH!!! Oh well... it's all good. I'm sure it will work out fine.

Cool thing is, I just ordered my camera bag. It's just the one I wanted. Tamrac Velocity 8X. Blue. You should google it. It's totally cool. I can fit my camera w. lens on, two extra lenses and a flash plus some other extras.Not that I have all that gear yet but with some patience... Urggg!!! I can not believe I have to wait 2-3 weeks to get my hands on it! Like I haven't waited enough. But I'm kinda impressed with myself that I still went for despite of the long wait. I guess when you want what you want you gatta do what you gotta do.

Ok so bout them pics... I'm fading kinda fast... You know it's time to go to bed when you find yourself starting blankly at the screen without moving a single muscle for minutes at a a time...

But tomorrow is a day off, yeah!

And the Yurt if I can track it down....

And last but not least, our Dessert Pizza... C, L, and S, and I made it. Pretty impressive if I do say so myself. Oh shute... I don't know where that's gonna end up but whatever, You'll figure it out.

2008-08-19T23:12:00.000-07:00

Make a Smilebox photobook

I hope that worked.

2008-08-18T22:15:00.000-07:00

I think I must have some vampire blood in me or something. It is only after the sun goes down and the moon comes up that I become alive. It makes it for a challenge to live among those who prefer the daylight hours.

I came across a new singer song writer today... new to me that is. "Under My Bed" by Meiko... not sure bout her other stuff but that one I like a lot. We'll see what else I'll come up with.

Nothin much...

2008-08-17T21:33:00.001-07:00

...just late night ramblings...

I'm having a love affair on my husband, on my family. A love affair with my camera that is. It consumes me and I can finally understand, even sympathize with workaholics. Why anyone would want to pay me to be behind the camera I don't know. It seems utterly ludicrous, like someone paying me to go to an amusement park or something of the sort. If I'm not out shooting, I'm working on post production. If I'm not on post production I'm at a meeting with other photographers or surfing the forum for more info, and if I'm not doing that then I am at the park or at the beach with my kids and undoubtedly with a book or a magazine on photography in hand. I could go on and on... really... I could bore you half to death. I could talk till I got blue in the face. I can't even walk up a simple stair way without carefully examining all the ever changing angles and taking mental notes on which spot would be best to shoot from. I was in my glory when I was out twelve hours straight shooting a wedding.

I hate baby showers. I really do. I've contemplated this for some time now but I think I have finally decided to just band them from my life. Unless it's like in anticipation of your first one bro... then I'd have to make an exception. It would seem kind of odd if I didn't show at a shower I threw, but other then that it's a nope, zip, zilch, nada! I'll send a fancy gift in my name. That will be my contribution. Hmm... I hope none of you peeps are keeping up with this blog still... unlikely but in the off chance, take nothing personally, and keep it to yourself.

It's odd that I am using my priceless camera time blogging... really odd.

I smelled you in my room today... pissed me off.
Has mercy run dry?

I couldn't sleep last night
Made me wanna pull my hair and cry.

You know there is little I won't do or sacrifice for my kids but among all them here's the toughest. Giving up a kid for my kids. I've toyed and prayed around the idea of 'having' another child over a few years now. Sometimes I am SO there, and others not so there but most of the time I'm half way in the middle of where I don't know...

I??? Me, myself, and I would love another one. But then I would also love to go to Africa but so what? In the grand scheme of things who the heck cares what "I" want? It wouldn't be in the best interest of my family, at least not at this time. There is seven of us and not a single one of us get all the things, not even half the things we think we love/want/need. (reminds me of Blue Like Grass and the story of Sexy Carrot. lol )

So when I think of another precious little one, who has nothing... who may be in a hotel room right this very minute just longing for someone to hold it close to their chest, to hear another heart beat, to feel the warmth of a body pressed against theirs, my hear aches...

So I continue to pray. I don't know what to do with that. Five children in a lot of children and although I know plenty a mom who have more then that I just don't know if I can stretch further then I do already. Teenagers... as independent as they strive to be need their parents all the more. C is always gonna be C and even when at his best he is still a handful and a challenge to keep entertained. S will always be S and is so darn easy going that he could easily fall between the cracks so to speak, but I'm not ok with that. And L who is always so people hungry will suck anyone dry in a matter of minutes. It's a challenge to communicate my love to her when we are so polar opposite. Is there room for one more? I duno... time will tell.

That's enough for now...

... oh and her name is Zoe not Gus...

2008-07-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

Only on my fifth attempt did I finally get the password right... guess it's been a while.... and even when I finally did it was a random guess at best.

The girls and I finished watching yet ANOTHER movie! AHHH!!! I think I'm going to go crazy! I can't stand watching so many movies! Yet at the end of the day I have little energy left to do much else and they all love to do it so who am I to argue?

I suggested to C that for our anniversary instead of doing the nice but traditional dinner and a movie, or even a night out of the house kinda deal we go to see Fife ( I think hat's how she spells it) in concert. Not that I like love her or anything but just to shake things up a little. Of course C being C wasn't all that keen on it, he much rather stick with the traditional but I know that out of sheer respect for me he will bend to my likings... :)

Oh well.... come August things will kick it into high gear around this joint and September will be here before we know it. Gotta sit down and seriously start planing out the school year. With this being our first full year of homeschooling I really want it to be a fun and positive experience. How cheesmo does THAT sound?! Oh well... we'll have fun.

Urg!!! Another failed attempt at downloading a program. I am so computerally (if that's even a word) inept!!

Hmmm... what else shall I divulge tonight...

I dreamt about my father last night. It was an unusual sort of dream. Actually come to think of it it is unusual that I dream of him at all. He looked... well not how I pictured him. Which that in itself is probably quite accurate.

So instead of going on like a family trip this summer we decided to stick around home base a bit more and get a start on developing the basement. But first it has to get cleaned out of all the junk that was so neatly stacked not once, not twice, but three times and then rummaged through time and time again over the years. And where am I going with all this.... shute... OMG.. totally drawing a blank here... Let's see... basement... junk... bins.... letters... pictures... YES!!!! It's all coming back to me now. O.K.! Quick! Before I forget again! So I'm going through the kids old stuff. And if you can imagine, lot's of kids equals lot's of stuff even though most of which I already gave away keeping only the extra special little outfits they came home, report cards etc. Then I also have a few big ticket baby/toddler items and this CRAZY thought goes through my head!

"I should keep this for the grand kids." Yeah, funny hu? Very funny!

Not many people my age start considering their grandchildren as they weed though their basement junk. So yeah, I kept the ride on car. Keeping the mini high chair, etc. etc. Then I went further with that thought... man in five years M is going to be twenty years old. It's just been three years that M and H have been with us but I know that the next five is going to pass with a blink of an eye. TWENTY! Like that's not even eighteen, that's TWENTY! It wasn't that long ago that I was twenty... It's a bit scary to think too how much maturing must go on in a person just in those few years.

Ok I could go on but why would I?

Ok yeah just one more thing... I got a Nikon D80. SO COOL! Even got my first job lined up already. We'll see how badly I'll bomb that one.

Oh and... I got a dog. So there...

Mother Margaret

2008-06-16T19:51:00.000-07:00

Today was and still is to this very moment odd...

The very fact that I am at the computer actually typing and not just thinking about typing. This is odd.

Feelings. Feelings are odd. I've had to put up with a lot of unpleasant, uncharted and undesirable feelings these last few days. I can not stand the turmoil they cause within me. I am furious that I can not predict my own behavior. There is a certain protocol... There was a certain protocol. A prototype, a blueprint, a game plan. Somewhere, somehow, someone changed the rules and forgot to tell me. This is my game for crying out loud! My game!

I like new things. Come to think of it I hate them too... I guess it's a love hate relationship. It figures. I'm not one to get attached to material possessions. In theory I would be happy to swap houses every three or four years just for the change of scenery. And again, in theory I would pick up and leave everything behind if offered the opportunity to serve among the poor and orphaned children in Africa. Really. In a heartbeat. I would not give it a second thought.... Although if you would knew my reasons why you wouldn't think it quite as noble as it all sounds.

I'll have to finish another time... life beckons...

2008-05-28T21:42:00.000-07:00

Today I am spent. I've got nothing left to give and tomorrow doesn't necessarily hold any more promise. But then again today DID look promising. So tomorrow could turn out to be better then imagined or... it could REALLY suck. Fun.

Vanishing Acts

2008-05-16T21:35:00.000-07:00

Hi, my name is Jane and I am an alcoholic.
Except that I am not. But I might as well be.
Booze, drugs, gambling, t.v, books. Pick you vices.
Where do you look to for your next high?
What bridges the gap for you, from where you are to....
To where you want to be?
Except that that's a lie as well.
Or is it?
Is it fair to say...
That I want to be somewhere,
if I don't know where?
Anywhere but here.
Anywhere... yet nowhere...

Eavesdropping

2008-03-22T22:05:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.... I hope I wasn't like that in the old days....

My baby is officially seven.... it's hard to believe and makes my heart kinda cramp up in a surreal kinda way. But we've got a special bond, always have and I can only hope and pray we always will. It goes way back to when he was just a wee little one and we would sit early in the mornings at the window after Daddy left for work. We would sit and watch all the cars, trucks, and buses as the rushed on by.

Today he confessed that although he is seven he will always be my baby.

And yet.. and yet his eye has caught another. I'm a bit shocked, I'll admit. I mean, he's a boy and quite an absent minded one at that .. and yet. Ahh she's a darling if I do say so myself. And it was quite something watching her watching him as she was standing up on stage receiving her little diploma. One day he asked me how exactly he would go about getting her but by the looks of it he's got nothing to worry bout. :)

Jasper

2008-02-13T19:43:00.000-08:00

I thought to myself, it's been a while since I've last tried to post some pics so what do I have to lose. So here it is.

A pic of Mish, last summer, while we were out for a hike one of Jaspers many hikking trails.

Seth and Mish going up on the Tram Way. Look at those cheeks man!
My darling girls.
My handsome boy Collier.

In Real Life

2008-02-12T21:27:00.000-08:00

Have some thoughts but they are just too much for me to articulate at this moment in time.

About missing...

But on a different note...

You know how sometimes you go out to a movie? Maybe a funny movie and there is that obnoxious person somewhere not too far from you who happens to find EVERYTHING absolutely hilarious and it's not that your totally lacking in sense of humor but maybe it's just not the lol kinda laughter! Been there? Maybe like me you were fortunate enough to sit right beside that person... oh wait that's because you came WITH the person. Haha!!

Well get this. Today I WAS that person! Dan in Real Life. Loved it! Only because I live it. I live it in so many different ways. I laughed, I cried, I cried while laughing. But in the end there is one thing that makes a blockbuster movie for me and that is this! I have to walk away being inspired to be so much more. So much more especially when it comes to my kids. And it did. In a very "real life kinda way". And so I loved it... four and a half out of five. But you might not appreciate it. Having teenage daughters kinda helps....

Thinking of giving this place a bit of a face lift. Another night.

A Night Like Tonight

2008-02-09T22:26:00.001-08:00

There are some nights
When one simply cannot
Kiss their children enough...

Winter Fest

2008-01-27T23:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty great day. Nothing extremely out of the ordinary to make it so. Just a simple day out in the great out doors with my family.

Although I have to say it is not often that my six year old participated... and joyfully might I add, in much of anything and to our delight he did just so. I swear he's got the most handsome smile in the whole universe. I love the way his eyes light up. It is at moments such as these I ask myself,

"How could you ever be anything but a delight?" A mothers labour pains are quickly forgotten. A condition that seems to remain so even as time passes.

My baby girl lost another tooth today. She's pretty proud of herself. Just the other night I asked her what her favourite food was. She pondered it a while. You see, food... it's pretty near and dear to her heart and this was not a question to take lightly. Cake. Ice cream. Cotton Candy. It could be any one of those but it's not.

'Bread." she answers in one simple word. I cannot help but smile....

And my Seth whom I am still trying to convince that even though he is not a baby anymore and quite on the contrary, is growing up into a rather handsome little fella', he is indeed still my baby. Always will be.

Maybe if I bribe him...

Qe Sera Sera

2008-01-25T20:14:00.000-08:00

I write often. I really do. It's just that... Your hand, it muffles the sound of my voice.

I cried today. A relief of sort. I was starting to question my own humanity. How could I have held out so long? I still wonder in disbelief. But I guess I'm human after all. Slightly calloused. A little hard around the edges. Yet still there, beating as it should be.

It's funny. Then again. It's not. How is it, being seas apart you still manage to take? The world was up for grabs and yet, it was my little corner your deep black eyes, your gaze... it rested upon. And why does this surprise me so...

I quiver. As I always do. Not do to fear, nor the chill in the air. I've come to accept it as so.

Meet me at the river. I will leave you there.

2007-12-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

So once again it's been almost forever.... I sat down yesterday to blog, it being my birthday I figured I could allow myself an extra "me" moment but of course I couldn't get online. It figures...

We just walked in the doors, my ears are freezing giving me wicked ear aches. Where is this -5 weather they were talking bout? Never less, Collier and Lish stayed in the back yard so I have a few minutes.

Monday I went to the allergist yesterday I returned of the second time to have some patches removed. The elevators are super slow and I am trying to be pro active so I decided since I only had six flights to go I would take the stairs. I probably would make it up before the elevator ever would anyways. I must admit, I was pathetic. As I reached the third floor I seriously re considered the elevator. I counted the stairs. To sets of eight flights of stairs per each floor is eighteen, eighteen times six is... one hundred and eight right? Right. As I reached the fourth floor the jacket came undone, and at the fifth floor my legs felt as heavy as if they were made of pure steal.

By the time I reached my destination, the sixth floor I was totally out of breath and was embarrassed to go and talk to the receptionist at the front desk. I pretended to yawn as I attempted to inhale a deep breath of much needed air. All that and in the end nothing came out positive. :) She did take a look at me and say that it didn't look that bad so I should start weening myself off the pills. Yeah right.. over my dead body. I can hardly recognise my hands as my own. My skin is splitting and my fingers are about twice their normals size and that's just after five days without the pills. No thank you. Maybe one day I will actually take it upon my self to figure out what is causing the reaction. Although that would mean a week long fast with little or not food what so ever and that would be harsh on me.... and my family. :) hehe.... You can see why I am procrastinating. :) But in reality I DON'T want to be on these pills for the rest of my life.

Ok gotta go, it's been about fifteen minutes and I need to check on my munchkins. That and the dishes ain't gonna get done by themselves.